WTF, Bird?

Maybe it's confused because the storm made it so dark today, and it doesn't really know what time it is.

Or maybe the poor thing is blind.

It's 2:37 am. There are approximately 2 hours and 18 minutes until sunrise.

And there is a bird chirp-chirping away outside my apartment.

To Catch a Predator

I have reason to suspect that the man that just hit on me is in fact a child molester.

I was waiting for the bus to come after going to a book club meeting, and this man walked past me saying under his breath, "Now there's a sweet little girl." Do men realize that saying things like this under their breath does not attract most women-it creeps them out?

He got to the corner and then turned around and walked back over to me. "You're just too beautiful for me to walk by without talking to you. A girl this pretty shouldn't be standing out here alone." Clearly, because then Creepy McCreepertons try to talk to them. 

Then he asked, "How old are you? Wait, I'm going to tell you how old I am, it might scare you. I'm 35." Oooo! Practically a zombie! I'm frightened.

"I would kiss you right now if it were legal." I'm glad you think it's illegal, then.

He gave me his card, wrote his number on the back and handed it to me saying, "If you see me on NBC, it wasn't me...Seriously." Is he referring to "To Catch a Predator?"

Don't think I'm going to call him, so I'll never know for sure.....

Dream Logic

I had another vivid dream last night. I've always had pretty crazy dreams, but I think I can link some of these recent ones to using valerian root as a sleep aid. On the nights that I take it, my dreams are more intense than usual. And it kind of smells like dirty toenail sludge.  But I sleep soooooo well that it's definitely worth it.

So, last night I was taking a standardized test of sorts, but instead of normal exam questions it had logic questions/riddles.

I kicked ass on Section 1, during the first day of testing.

The second day, however, was a completely different story. Unfortunately, I was afflicted with "can't keep the eyes open or focus vision" syndrome. It's kind of like those "trying really hard to move but my feet are glued to the ground" dreams.

It made it really difficult to read the questions and even more difficult to answer them.

I do remember one question clearly. There was a table loaded up with kitchen utensils. I was supposed to read this riddle and then choose and arrange the correct utensils in a specific order:

"Two are always in a fight, two are always right, take a bite"

Being a genius, I figured out that I was supposed to make the following arrangement:

Observe how the knives are fighting, and the forks are on the right.

Then there was the set of essay questions where I became convinced that the solution was to write answers that insulted how ridiculous the questions were.

Probably I was just pissed off at not being able to keep my eyes open.

Next on The Bestseller List

Last night I was going to write a novel. I had just realized that I was dreaming and thought, "This could be my big break!" Upon actually being conscious, I've decided that a novel might be a little overkill. I'm not sure I want to spend a whole 300 pages on it, so I'll just contain it here:


One of the psychiatrists that I work with was apparently renting an apartment that was attached to the house I grew up in. He had been doing some very interesting research in genetics, which one of my fellow nurses was assisting him in. They wanted to demonstrate their amazing new discovery to me, but they first warned me of the aggressive tendencies of the creature they were creating.

The doctor had an embryo that was developing in a bag of saline. It rapidly grew limb buds. At this point, he injected a smaller embryo into its spine. A long creature with scathing claws and thrashing jaws quickly developed. A small worm was injected into the bag of saline, which the embryonic creation quickly sought out and brutally devoured.

Within a matter of minutes, the creature was fully developed. Usually the experiment would end here, but this time the doctor let it continue. The fetal beast burst out of the bag of saline and leaped onto one of the shelves lining the laboratory. It was...dun dun dun.....

.... a tiny, adorable kitten.

We regarded it fearfully.

"Don't let it bite or scratch you," the doctor warned, "lest you become infected with its venemous rage." Then he left Colleen, my sisters and I to deal with the ferocious devil.

The rest of the evening was spent boldly and dramatically defending ourselves from scratches and attempting to sequester the three other (normal) cats in the house so that our beloved pets wouldn't get infected. We eventually trapped the monster-kitten in my guinea pig's old cage.

This was when we discovered that if not watched constantly, the kitten could morph and squeeze itself out of the cage.

It dawned on us that we would have to kill it.

We tried to be humane. We injected the tiny, 3-pound fiend with 2 mg of Ativan (which is enough to make multi-substance abusers drowsy). But we just couldn't be sure that this magical and cunning violent hybrid was actually dead.

So we microwaved it until it exploded.

Twice.

Problem Solving

Here are some solutions to having too many cookies:

1. Eat a couple and then throw the rest away
     Pros: You feel successful for being so self disciplined
     Cons: Perfectly good cookies in the trash

2. Keep a couple for yourself and take the rest to work/share them with friends
     Pros: You feel successful for being self disciplined
              People at work will smile be happy
     Cons: You miss out on the taste of more cookies
               People at work curse you for making them fat

3. Eat all of the cookies over the span of 1-3 days
     Pros: Obviously, you get to eat all the cookies
              They are fresh
              They are delicious
              You feel happy as you munch
     Cons: Your pants are too tight
                You get a sugar bellyache

4. Freeze the cookies and spread out consumption over the next 1-6 months
     Pros: You get to eat all the cookies
              When you're craving a cookie, you don't have to go through the whole process of baking
     Cons: That monster named Freezerburn
               They rarely taste as good as fresh cookies

According to my calculations, the best option is #3. Stuff your face. It's just the right thing to do. 

Amazon Recommendations

In order of increasing randomness, people who buy Birkenstocks also like to buy:

Books about Plantar Fasciitis (dead on! exactly why I bought them)

Nail clippers (relates to feet)

Ray Bans (has something to do with apparel)

Yoga (okay, maybe aiming for fans of being holistic)

Neti pots (I have used one....not a fan) ---------------------------------->

Paper towels (to clean the shoes?)

Post-its (to write lists to buy more shoes)

Kid Galaxy Morphibians Killer Whale (maybe I do want one...)

 and

Portable handheld 6 inch black light (?)

 

Alice

Alice, where are you going?
"Upstairs to take a bath."
Alice, with legs like toothpicks and
a neck like a gira-a-a-a-a-a-a-afe.
Alice, into the bathtub,
pulled out the plug and then.
OH MY Goodness,
OH MY SOUL,
there goes Alice down that hole.
Alice, where are you going?
Glub, Glub, Glub.



This is the poem my Grandma Evy recited to me while I was taking a bath, followed by the statement, "Well, Lauren, you're pretty skinny too!"

Being a 5-year-old with a very industrious imagination, I was quite alarmed. No, terrified. Horrified. Frantic! I ran hysterically from the bathroom.

For a long time, I refused to even be in the bathroom while the tub was draining. Surely it would maliciously suck me down from across the room. I imagined myself grasping desperately at the side of the tub as the unstoppable vacuum force dragged me into the abyss.

By the time I was 7, I still felt a little uneasy.  I could handle a draining tub as long as I wasn't in it.

Even on the swim team in high school I still had a habit of swimming faster over the drains when I was racing.

Dirty Toothpicks

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, my mom dropped a container of Party Picks all over the floor.

My mother does not waste a thing. She rinses out plastic sandwich bags with soap and water, and she saves foil for re-use. Plastic cups and silverware could last for decades. (I think we may still have a spoon from a Baskin Robbins that went out of business when I was in middle school).

So, keeping with this tradition of conservation, she picked up the multi-colored toothpicks and put them back into the container, which she labeled "Dirty Toothpicks."

This container was not kept with the other craft items. It was kept in the kitchen cabinet along with clean toothpicks (always just plain wooden), ibuprofen, cupcake liners, and a nut grinder.

In my mind, colorful toothpicks will forever remain "Dirty Toothpicks."

New Body Spray Scents for Spring

I'm always amused by the dramatic way in which scents and lotions are described. Luscious. Tempting. Demure. I've created some new appropriate scents for spring.


This charming new line of springtime perfumes is inspired by Mother Earth and the vivacious spirit of the new season. Innovative interpretations of classic combinations awaken the senses and invigorate the soul. All-natural ingredients.

Rain-Rinsed Lettuce

Give your body and spirit a splash of this refreshing new scent! Crisp, fresh and youthful, it's sure to animate and revitalize you.

Springtime Sprouts

Experience the lighthearted joy of new plants emerging from the earth with this vivid, cheery perfume. Unexpected and bright, it will leave you feeling utterly reinvigorated.

April Wind

If flowery and sweet isn't your thing, you'll surely enjoy the energizing smell of April Wind. With its brisk and edgy qualities, your soul will take flight!

May Flowers

The aroma of a fresh bouquet of May Flowers comes to life with playful femininity. Elegant and seductive with a touch of whimsical, this scent will inspire you with confidence to show your beautiful spirit!

Blossoming Garden Soil

This intoxicating fragrance has a rich, earthy aroma accompanied by sensual undertones of spring rain. Show the world your natural beauty! A great Mother's Day gift for that special Mom with a green thumb.

I Found Kate Middleton's Face in my Sunburn!

I just got back from a vacation in Florida. They have a fabulous radio commercial for a tanning salon that says,

"Why be pale and pasty, when you can be tan and tasty!?"

I think that by Florida standards, the definition "tan and tasty" might mean being approximately the color and texture (and taste?) of beef jerky. Alas, I will probably never reach that color of tan.

I did get some color, but despite my religious hourly application of sunscreen, I still ended up in the red spectrum with a very bizarre pattern of sunburn. The back of one leg, the knee of the other, a patch on my left arm, a splotchy stomach, and a spot on my hip that had a random white "t" in the middle of it.

To see Kate Middleton's face in my sunburn, just tilt your screen.