"Did you see Krista?! She's lost a ton of weight since she was last admitted!"
"Well, you know, the cocaine diet is very effective."
"Yeah, but then you do stuff, like....die...."
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
That's What I Call Relaxation
After a hard evening at work, Colleen and I decided it was time for some well-earned relaxation.
Sometimes, we've gone to one of the bars for a drink. Other times, we've gone to the hot tub at a gym of undisclosed location. What could be a better way to unwind?
Combining the two, of course!
Colleen brought a bottle of wine. We smuggled it into the gym in water bottles. Delicious and soothing! It was the perfect way to end the day.
There was a guy in the endless pool that had other ideas about how to de-stress. I'm a hundred percent fifty-fifty that he was jacking off by the jet stream. I pointed it out to Colleen. Of course, he picked the moment that she was turning her head to glance over at us. He immediately stopped whatever he was doing, which only served to increase my suspicions...
Sometimes, we've gone to one of the bars for a drink. Other times, we've gone to the hot tub at a gym of undisclosed location. What could be a better way to unwind?
Combining the two, of course!
Colleen brought a bottle of wine. We smuggled it into the gym in water bottles. Delicious and soothing! It was the perfect way to end the day.
There was a guy in the endless pool that had other ideas about how to de-stress. I'm a hundred percent fifty-fifty that he was jacking off by the jet stream. I pointed it out to Colleen. Of course, he picked the moment that she was turning her head to glance over at us. He immediately stopped whatever he was doing, which only served to increase my suspicions...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Garbage Juice
When I was working as a lifeguard, we took out the trash at the end of the day by loading it all onto a golf cart to drive out to the dumpster. There was a guy that did some sort of other work at the country club-groundskeeping or something? Apparently he had a crush on me, so he tried to get some "alone time" by helping me one day.
He showed off all sorts of daring tricks to impress me. Like gunning it down the bumpy hill and attempting a 180 that almost crashed us into the side of the dumpster. Which would have been fun, except that I had to hold on to all those garbage bags. They had been roasting in the sun all day, so they were pretty stinky.
As we were unloading the trash, some garbage juice spilled onto the seat of the golf cart. Being oh-so-gentlemanly, the guy took off his shirt and wiped it off so I could sit on a clean seat.
But then he put his smelly garbage-soaked shirt back on.
He was chivalrous. But he didn't smell so good.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Scuba Peeing
A few years ago Monica, my parents, and I took a trip to Key Largo to go scuba diving. Monica and I had just gotten certified, and it was our first oceanic underwater adventure.
I think that something about scuba-ing makes your kidneys filter faster. Because normally, after one hour of normal activity with normal hydration, I feel fine. But when diving, one hour would fill my bladder to "I definitely need to pee." Which is beyond "If I'm not concentrating on it, I don't have to" and "I kinda gotta go."
On our first day out, we went on 2 dives that were about 45 minutes each. I saw some pretty amazing fish and invertebrates. If I could be any mythical creature, I would probably pick mermaid so I could hang out down there all the time. And I would have a beautiful voice, so I would be able to sing in the shower. Except I wouldn't need a shower. Because I would be in the water.
Well, needless to say, I had to pee. And for the life of me, I could not. There was no bathroom on the boat, so that wasn't an option. My dad thought I had stage fright about peeing through the wetsuit. I didn't actually care; I just really, really wanted an empty bladder.
From the time I had last peed before breakfast to the time we got out of the water from our second dive, about 7 hours had elapsed. And then there was the hour long boat ride back to the dock. I had drunk several bottles of water. The ocean was wavy. The boat was rocking. It was extremely painful. I thought I was going to die.
Finally, we were pulling into the harbor!
And then we had to back out so another boat could get out. And then we pulled in. Monica also had to pee pretty bad.
"You girls just get to the hotel, we'll take care of the gear," my dad said.
Monica and I tried to run, stripping off our wetsuits as we went. It was basically an accelerated waddle.
Our hotel was about 2-3 blocks away. But there was a Holiday Inn right by the dock. We saw the pool area, and I spotted a sign for the restrooms. I was about 2 yards from the door when I realized that you had to have a hotel key to get into the bathroom.
"No! Turn back!" I tried to yell, but I could hardly speak. At first, Monica didn't understand. Her face contorted in dismayed confusion. And then she spotted the problem. "Should we hop in the pool?" I whispered desperately. I thought I might burst.
"No, we can make it." We hobbled off.
About a block from the hotel, a sudden spasm overtook my body. I fell to the ground. "Aaaaaaaagggheh!" I moaned. Monica glanced back at me. She started to slow down. But then a pained expression came over her face and she grunted, "I have to keep going. I'm sorry."
I was curled up on the ground, devastated by the realization that I was going to pee all over myself in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the day.
Miraculously, the spasm passed and I somehow managed to get back on my feet. I staggered on, bent forward at about a 90 degree angle.
I made it into the lobby and stumbled toward the public restroom. There was one woman in line. One of the stalls was opening. I could see Monica's feet in the other. The woman in line took one look at my face and said, "GO!"
I swear to God, I peed for at least a minute and thirty-eight seconds. I was trying to count. I don't even think I want to know the volume of fluid that was in my bladder. I have never had to pee so badly in my entire life, and I hope I never do again.
I think that something about scuba-ing makes your kidneys filter faster. Because normally, after one hour of normal activity with normal hydration, I feel fine. But when diving, one hour would fill my bladder to "I definitely need to pee." Which is beyond "If I'm not concentrating on it, I don't have to" and "I kinda gotta go."
On our first day out, we went on 2 dives that were about 45 minutes each. I saw some pretty amazing fish and invertebrates. If I could be any mythical creature, I would probably pick mermaid so I could hang out down there all the time. And I would have a beautiful voice, so I would be able to sing in the shower. Except I wouldn't need a shower. Because I would be in the water.
Well, needless to say, I had to pee. And for the life of me, I could not. There was no bathroom on the boat, so that wasn't an option. My dad thought I had stage fright about peeing through the wetsuit. I didn't actually care; I just really, really wanted an empty bladder.
From the time I had last peed before breakfast to the time we got out of the water from our second dive, about 7 hours had elapsed. And then there was the hour long boat ride back to the dock. I had drunk several bottles of water. The ocean was wavy. The boat was rocking. It was extremely painful. I thought I was going to die.
Finally, we were pulling into the harbor!
And then we had to back out so another boat could get out. And then we pulled in. Monica also had to pee pretty bad.
"You girls just get to the hotel, we'll take care of the gear," my dad said.
Monica and I tried to run, stripping off our wetsuits as we went. It was basically an accelerated waddle.
Our hotel was about 2-3 blocks away. But there was a Holiday Inn right by the dock. We saw the pool area, and I spotted a sign for the restrooms. I was about 2 yards from the door when I realized that you had to have a hotel key to get into the bathroom.
"No! Turn back!" I tried to yell, but I could hardly speak. At first, Monica didn't understand. Her face contorted in dismayed confusion. And then she spotted the problem. "Should we hop in the pool?" I whispered desperately. I thought I might burst.
"No, we can make it." We hobbled off.
About a block from the hotel, a sudden spasm overtook my body. I fell to the ground. "Aaaaaaaagggheh!" I moaned. Monica glanced back at me. She started to slow down. But then a pained expression came over her face and she grunted, "I have to keep going. I'm sorry."
I was curled up on the ground, devastated by the realization that I was going to pee all over myself in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the day.
Miraculously, the spasm passed and I somehow managed to get back on my feet. I staggered on, bent forward at about a 90 degree angle.
I made it into the lobby and stumbled toward the public restroom. There was one woman in line. One of the stalls was opening. I could see Monica's feet in the other. The woman in line took one look at my face and said, "GO!"
I swear to God, I peed for at least a minute and thirty-eight seconds. I was trying to count. I don't even think I want to know the volume of fluid that was in my bladder. I have never had to pee so badly in my entire life, and I hope I never do again.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Now What Do I Do?
Today I went to the Logan Square Farmers Market, which always makes me feel quite content. There's just nothing like an apple straight from the tree, or a carrot right from the dirt. After you rinse it off.
I'd picked up my usual supply of fruits and veggies when I found myself pondering the sign for the farm-raised meat stand. I've casually been thinking about adding more birds to my diet. The guy at the booth greeted me, "Hey, you look like a smurf. You have a lot of blue on."
He suggested that it would be an easy Halloween costume. We had a brief conversation about fall and weather and the awesomeness of October 31st, which emboldened me to go ahead and ask for a chicken.
On my way home, I contemplated, "What the hell am I going to do with this thing?"
As far as cooking goes, I've got vegetables down. Not to brag, but I can make some pretty delicious meals. And I'm pretty sure I could even bake a decent batch of muffins without a recipe. However, I'm mildly intimidated by the fact that I haven't cooked meat (minus fish) for, mmmmmmm, 8-ish years?
Except for that one time when I made frozen meals for my grandma for Christmas. Instead of being nice and crumbly, the ground beef for the meat sauce turned out to be more along the lines of "spaghetti and meat-frisbees."
Anyhow, I've certainly never cooked a whole chicken before.
As I turned down my street, two of my neighbors were standing outside chatting while their black hen pecked away at the sidewalk. It reminded me of riding the combi's to school in Mexico, and I thought about the delicious mustard chicken dish my host mama used to make. So now that's the plan, Stan!
I'd picked up my usual supply of fruits and veggies when I found myself pondering the sign for the farm-raised meat stand. I've casually been thinking about adding more birds to my diet. The guy at the booth greeted me, "Hey, you look like a smurf. You have a lot of blue on."
He suggested that it would be an easy Halloween costume. We had a brief conversation about fall and weather and the awesomeness of October 31st, which emboldened me to go ahead and ask for a chicken.
On my way home, I contemplated, "What the hell am I going to do with this thing?"
As far as cooking goes, I've got vegetables down. Not to brag, but I can make some pretty delicious meals. And I'm pretty sure I could even bake a decent batch of muffins without a recipe. However, I'm mildly intimidated by the fact that I haven't cooked meat (minus fish) for, mmmmmmm, 8-ish years?
Except for that one time when I made frozen meals for my grandma for Christmas. Instead of being nice and crumbly, the ground beef for the meat sauce turned out to be more along the lines of "spaghetti and meat-frisbees."
Anyhow, I've certainly never cooked a whole chicken before.
As I turned down my street, two of my neighbors were standing outside chatting while their black hen pecked away at the sidewalk. It reminded me of riding the combi's to school in Mexico, and I thought about the delicious mustard chicken dish my host mama used to make. So now that's the plan, Stan!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Here's Some Advice
Suggestions that Present Me could have made to Past Me during the last 2 weeks
Fitness Advice
When you are going to walk 2 miles to the gym to swim, make sure your swim suit is in your bag before you leave the house.
Sleeping Advice
Do not take a sleeping pill before unloading your sheets from the dryer. This may cause bed-making to be much more difficult than it should be.
Beauty Advice
Your bangs do not pull into a bun. If you try to do this instead of letting them just be bangs, you will end up with a front-only faux hawk.
Financial Advice
NEVER go to Target "just to look around" or "to kill some time." You will buy something.
Other Shopping Advice
When you're hauling 40 lbs of cat litter out to the car, make sure to do one or both of the following:
1. Use a cart
2. Remember where you parked
Fitness Advice
When you are going to walk 2 miles to the gym to swim, make sure your swim suit is in your bag before you leave the house.
Sleeping Advice
Do not take a sleeping pill before unloading your sheets from the dryer. This may cause bed-making to be much more difficult than it should be.
Beauty Advice
Your bangs do not pull into a bun. If you try to do this instead of letting them just be bangs, you will end up with a front-only faux hawk.
Financial Advice
NEVER go to Target "just to look around" or "to kill some time." You will buy something.
Other Shopping Advice
When you're hauling 40 lbs of cat litter out to the car, make sure to do one or both of the following:
1. Use a cart
2. Remember where you parked
Friday, September 16, 2011
It's Nice to Meet Your Neighbors
I met a neighbor-ish today. He may or may not actually live around me. He was just walking on a sidewalk that's close to where I live, so I will call him my neighbor.
He was limping because he has some physical/mental developmental disorder. He was wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase.
As we passed each other, he greeted me with a friendly "Hello!" which I returned with a smile.
"My name is Nick! What's your name?"
"I'm Lauren. It's nice to meet you, Nick!"
"Yeah, it is good. The weather's not bad. How is your husband doing?"
"Oh, he's good, doing fine," I laughed.
"That's great. I'm glad to hear it. Okay, well, I wish the best of luck to you both."
"Well, thank you, Nick. Have a good day!"
"You too! A swell day!"
He was limping because he has some physical/mental developmental disorder. He was wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase.
As we passed each other, he greeted me with a friendly "Hello!" which I returned with a smile.
"My name is Nick! What's your name?"
"I'm Lauren. It's nice to meet you, Nick!"
"Yeah, it is good. The weather's not bad. How is your husband doing?"
"Oh, he's good, doing fine," I laughed.
"That's great. I'm glad to hear it. Okay, well, I wish the best of luck to you both."
"Well, thank you, Nick. Have a good day!"
"You too! A swell day!"
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Luscious
I found a description in my middle school diary about a boy that I had a crush on. It said,
"He is sooooo cute and handsome! He has the nicest eyes and big, sucking blowfish lips."
Apparently this was a good thing?
"He is sooooo cute and handsome! He has the nicest eyes and big, sucking blowfish lips."
Apparently this was a good thing?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Take Me Home Tonight!
A blind man tried to come home with me today.
I was watching traffic, waiting to pull out of the parking lot, when I heard some rap-a-tapping at my passenger door. It was the blind man with his white cane.
He seemed to be trying to walk through my car, so at first I thought he was just confused. That was what his expression told me. But maybe that's just what his face looks like, because his expression did not change once.
And he didn't try to move away from my car. At first he kept touching it. He whacked the passenger-side mirror, then spun around 360 degrees and started feeling along the door.
He tried the handle. I wondered if maybe he was trying to hijack my car. But something tells me he wouldn't have gotten very far driving...
And if he tried to make me take him somewhere, how would he know I wasn't driving to the police station instead of his creepy dark basement apartment with no windows?
Then he gave up. He just stood there. Like, less than a foot away from my car. Open-mouthed and fidgeting. Maybe devastated that the weird little rendezvous he had been fantasizing about for a week would never come to fruition. He wasn't trying to ask for money. He had no can, no sign, no outstretched hand. Nothing.
I pulled away slowly, afraid that me might try to walk through my car again and make me run over his foot.
I have considered that he might be a zombie. He sure looked the part with his rolled-back, glazed-white eyes and gaping mouth frozen in a permanent groan. Plus that whole bizarre behavior and brain fog thing...
Just to be on the safe side, grab up some baseball bats and don't let anyone bite you. Especially if they smell like decay.
I was watching traffic, waiting to pull out of the parking lot, when I heard some rap-a-tapping at my passenger door. It was the blind man with his white cane.
He seemed to be trying to walk through my car, so at first I thought he was just confused. That was what his expression told me. But maybe that's just what his face looks like, because his expression did not change once.
And he didn't try to move away from my car. At first he kept touching it. He whacked the passenger-side mirror, then spun around 360 degrees and started feeling along the door.
He tried the handle. I wondered if maybe he was trying to hijack my car. But something tells me he wouldn't have gotten very far driving...
And if he tried to make me take him somewhere, how would he know I wasn't driving to the police station instead of his creepy dark basement apartment with no windows?
Then he gave up. He just stood there. Like, less than a foot away from my car. Open-mouthed and fidgeting. Maybe devastated that the weird little rendezvous he had been fantasizing about for a week would never come to fruition. He wasn't trying to ask for money. He had no can, no sign, no outstretched hand. Nothing.
I pulled away slowly, afraid that me might try to walk through my car again and make me run over his foot.
I have considered that he might be a zombie. He sure looked the part with his rolled-back, glazed-white eyes and gaping mouth frozen in a permanent groan. Plus that whole bizarre behavior and brain fog thing...
Just to be on the safe side, grab up some baseball bats and don't let anyone bite you. Especially if they smell like decay.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sushi Surplus
Becky (my housemate) and I had a marvelous munch-fest yesterday evening involving raw fish at Ichiban (by UIC). All-you-can-eat can be very dangerous, and we were determined to get our money's worth.
Between the two of us, we polished off 9 maki. Our unanimous favorite was The Golden Dragon (shrimp tempura topped with eel and avocado).
Near the end of our gastronomical journey I declared, "I'm going to need a pair of sweat pants."
"Ugh, I'm just going to lie around naked and sweat it out... That's what people who eat Cheetos do! They sit around naked, eating Cheetos, sweating and smelling their belly buttons!"
Laughter was getting to be painful.
After paying and leaving, we decided we would need to walk around a bit before attempting to drive back to the apartment.
"Oooooh! We're going too fast! Slow down!" cried Becky.
"Me? I feel like I'm sprinting to keep up with you.....I think I need to take a break between each step."
Crossing the street, which had to be done at a normal-to-brick pace, was even more miserable than laughing.
"Huuuugghhh, I can hardly breathe. I wonder if this is what women feel like when they're 7 months pregnant and the baby is all up in their diaphragm," I groaned.
When we got back home, we had no option but to just crash and sleep it off.
It was past noon today before I finally started to feel even slightly hungry again.
At the time, I thought it might be a while before I was willing to eat sushi again, but it turns out that as I was thinking about the Golden Dragon tonight, my mouth started watering. I'll probably be ready for more by Tuesday.
But not 5 pounds of it.
Between the two of us, we polished off 9 maki. Our unanimous favorite was The Golden Dragon (shrimp tempura topped with eel and avocado).
Near the end of our gastronomical journey I declared, "I'm going to need a pair of sweat pants."
"Ugh, I'm just going to lie around naked and sweat it out... That's what people who eat Cheetos do! They sit around naked, eating Cheetos, sweating and smelling their belly buttons!"
Laughter was getting to be painful.
After paying and leaving, we decided we would need to walk around a bit before attempting to drive back to the apartment.
"Oooooh! We're going too fast! Slow down!" cried Becky.
"Me? I feel like I'm sprinting to keep up with you.....I think I need to take a break between each step."
Crossing the street, which had to be done at a normal-to-brick pace, was even more miserable than laughing.
"Huuuugghhh, I can hardly breathe. I wonder if this is what women feel like when they're 7 months pregnant and the baby is all up in their diaphragm," I groaned.
When we got back home, we had no option but to just crash and sleep it off.
It was past noon today before I finally started to feel even slightly hungry again.
At the time, I thought it might be a while before I was willing to eat sushi again, but it turns out that as I was thinking about the Golden Dragon tonight, my mouth started watering. I'll probably be ready for more by Tuesday.
But not 5 pounds of it.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Cat-Napping
This is the cat I want to kidnap.
I call her Stella. I'm not actually sure if she's a stray or if she belongs to the neighbors. But she likes to hang out with me whenever I'm in the yard.
Things to consider:
1. She could get hit by a car.
2. She has no collar, so she does not definitely belong to someone else, though she might.
3. If it is the neighbors' cat, they will worry about her when she disappears.
4. The neighbors' cat recently had kittens, and this cat seems so tiny to have just given birth.
5. I don't really have any experience with pregnant/postpartum cats, since I made Sally give up her uterus.
6. Also, the neighbors could have more than one cat.
7. Stella is super friendly and entertaining.
8. Sally will hate her.
9. But she's lived with another cat before, and she got used to him. Maybe even secretly liked him.
10. Stella's claw control is questionable.
11. I already have claw clippers.
12. If she doesn't have a home in the winter, she might freeze.
13. If I kidnap her, I will be one feline away from being a cat lady.
14. I'm only in my 20's, and it's not the middle ages, so I'm not a spinster.
15. I recognize that I should not have more than 2 cats.
16. I have human friends.
17. Given 14-16, really, how close am I to being a cat lady?
18. What if I'm just in denial?
I call her Stella. I'm not actually sure if she's a stray or if she belongs to the neighbors. But she likes to hang out with me whenever I'm in the yard.
Things to consider:
1. She could get hit by a car.
2. She has no collar, so she does not definitely belong to someone else, though she might.
3. If it is the neighbors' cat, they will worry about her when she disappears.
4. The neighbors' cat recently had kittens, and this cat seems so tiny to have just given birth.
5. I don't really have any experience with pregnant/postpartum cats, since I made Sally give up her uterus.
6. Also, the neighbors could have more than one cat.
7. Stella is super friendly and entertaining.
8. Sally will hate her.
9. But she's lived with another cat before, and she got used to him. Maybe even secretly liked him.
10. Stella's claw control is questionable.
11. I already have claw clippers.
12. If she doesn't have a home in the winter, she might freeze.
13. If I kidnap her, I will be one feline away from being a cat lady.
14. I'm only in my 20's, and it's not the middle ages, so I'm not a spinster.
15. I recognize that I should not have more than 2 cats.
16. I have human friends.
17. Given 14-16, really, how close am I to being a cat lady?
18. What if I'm just in denial?
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