Okay! Here's the challenge: guess which quotes are from patients, and which are from staff.
"Do giraffes make you nervous? I mean, they run, like, a thousand miles an hour!"
"I'm a sandwich!"
"There was a pool of blood, deep enough for a three year old to swim in it!"
"I love my dog's ears. When he dies, I'm going to cut them off and carry them around with me."
"You're pregnant, hon. You can see it in your face, you've got the butterfly pattern."
"If I'm in a room full of men, I can't even tell which are the hot ones anymore."
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sinus Disasters: Chapter 2 (Why I Hated Neti Pots)
This is a story about sinus rinses.
Back in college, I was seeing an allergy/asthma specialist who recommended daily sinus rinses for me. She gave me a starter kit with a squirt bottle. I was home for the summer, and I used it sporadically for a couple of months before abandoning it hatefully in the back of my closet.
Fast forward to spring break. Great time for allergies. And I had just finished two rounds of antibiotics for a sinus infection. I decided I might as well try the sinus rinse again. This time, I swore I would diligently use it every day for the rest of eternity.
So, there I was, squirting saline up my nose as I gagged and sputtered. I was almost done. Despite my watery eyes, I could tell there was some saline left in the bottle, but it didn't seem to want to come out. I squeezed the bottle harder, crumpling it in half. Mildly successful at squirting some more saline in.
And then the idea hit me. "I shouldn't be getting more by squashing this thing in half. The straw goes all the way to the bottom, so bending it like this should make me not be able to get anything out."
I jerked the bottle away from my nose to examine it. To my horror, the straw had disintegrated and ended about halfway down the bottle with a jagged edge. There were chunks of plastic floating in the bottom of the bottle. A quick mental calculation told me that the plastic in the bottom was not nearly enough to have composed the rest of that straw.
"SHIT!"
Didn't just think it. Said it out loud.
I had chunks of freaking plastic in my sinuses.
Foreign body + Sinuses + Bacteria left from that other infection = Certain Doom
So I made an emergency trip to CVS to buy a neti pot. I got back to my house and started opening it when I realized that the expiration date on the bottom of the box has passed six months before. Not wanting to inject any more risks into my skull, I drove back to CVS to exchange it.
Chunks of plastic fell into the sink. I used at least 3 rinses before not getting any more debris. And then did another just to be sure. It was torture, and I think it kind of scarred me.
So, the moral of this story is: When the instructions say to replace the bottle every 90 days, do it.
Back in college, I was seeing an allergy/asthma specialist who recommended daily sinus rinses for me. She gave me a starter kit with a squirt bottle. I was home for the summer, and I used it sporadically for a couple of months before abandoning it hatefully in the back of my closet.
Fast forward to spring break. Great time for allergies. And I had just finished two rounds of antibiotics for a sinus infection. I decided I might as well try the sinus rinse again. This time, I swore I would diligently use it every day for the rest of eternity.
So, there I was, squirting saline up my nose as I gagged and sputtered. I was almost done. Despite my watery eyes, I could tell there was some saline left in the bottle, but it didn't seem to want to come out. I squeezed the bottle harder, crumpling it in half. Mildly successful at squirting some more saline in.
And then the idea hit me. "I shouldn't be getting more by squashing this thing in half. The straw goes all the way to the bottom, so bending it like this should make me not be able to get anything out."
I jerked the bottle away from my nose to examine it. To my horror, the straw had disintegrated and ended about halfway down the bottle with a jagged edge. There were chunks of plastic floating in the bottom of the bottle. A quick mental calculation told me that the plastic in the bottom was not nearly enough to have composed the rest of that straw.
"SHIT!"
Didn't just think it. Said it out loud.
I had chunks of freaking plastic in my sinuses.
Foreign body + Sinuses + Bacteria left from that other infection = Certain Doom
So I made an emergency trip to CVS to buy a neti pot. I got back to my house and started opening it when I realized that the expiration date on the bottom of the box has passed six months before. Not wanting to inject any more risks into my skull, I drove back to CVS to exchange it.
Chunks of plastic fell into the sink. I used at least 3 rinses before not getting any more debris. And then did another just to be sure. It was torture, and I think it kind of scarred me.
So, the moral of this story is: When the instructions say to replace the bottle every 90 days, do it.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sinus Disasters: Chapter 1
Remember that lovely menthol Zicam nasal spray I mentioned the other day?
Well, I used it this morning before heading out the door. I enjoyed being able to smell something for once. Menthol reminds me of childhood and Tic-Tacs. And I delighted in the cooling sensation.
Until I stepped into the freezing-degreed outdoors and inhaled.
My nose and sinuses were freeze-burning!
It was like someone had shoved some dry ice up my nose and then punched me. I felt like I was going to start bleeding everywhere. It was great.
Well, I used it this morning before heading out the door. I enjoyed being able to smell something for once. Menthol reminds me of childhood and Tic-Tacs. And I delighted in the cooling sensation.
Until I stepped into the freezing-degreed outdoors and inhaled.
My nose and sinuses were freeze-burning!
It was like someone had shoved some dry ice up my nose and then punched me. I felt like I was going to start bleeding everywhere. It was great.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Sally's Near Death Experience
A few years ago, when Sally was just a young kitten, I had a very scary experience with her. She had been acting kind of funny, meowing a lot.
I woke up in the middle of the night, as I am wont to do.
I heard Sally rustling around in the closet.
In my half-awake stupor, I started panicking.
I thought, "Oh noooooo! Sally crawled off into the closet to die alone!!!!"
I was confused and tearful as I started frantically searching for her. I couldn't find her. I sat on my bed and started bawling.
Hearing the ruckus, she came out of hiding and stared up at me like, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
She did not die.
I woke up in the middle of the night, as I am wont to do.
I heard Sally rustling around in the closet.
In my half-awake stupor, I started panicking.
I thought, "Oh noooooo! Sally crawled off into the closet to die alone!!!!"
I was confused and tearful as I started frantically searching for her. I couldn't find her. I sat on my bed and started bawling.
Hearing the ruckus, she came out of hiding and stared up at me like, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
She did not die.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Twilight Zone
If the SciFi channel ever wants another revival of the Twilight Zone, I've got some dreams they could use as plot lines....
A mother and father take their 2 young children to their lake house to go fishing. They are cooking sausages on the grill, watching the water. A huge dragon flies out of the water and gouges the little boy's left eye out. Then the dragon turns into a pirate and steals the little girl's left eye with the aid of some fancy eye-theft headphones that leave a distinctive scar on the left temple. The parents recall that their small niece is also missing her left eye and has the scar.
They drive home, agonizing about how their life is going to change. When they get back to the city, they go downtown. They're walking the streets and see a cab driver leaning on his car, which is parked outside of a church. They get closer and realize that he only has one eye. The left eye is missing.
They get to talking and figure out that a pirate also took the cabbie's eye. He is amazed by this revelation and says, "We have to tell my brother! He owns this costume shop here by the church!"
And then the terrifying pirate shows up. Turns out that it's the cabbie's brother. What a jerk, stealing his own brother's eye like that! And then lying to him for all those years, saying he was going to avenge him? So, cabbie is super-pissed.
The cab driver and the family march into the church, the mother encouraging her children to take off their eye patches to show that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
The people in the church start murmuring. They're saying, "I wonder if it was a pirate?" We then realize that there are several people inside the church who have lost an eye. For the first time in their lives, they are acknowledging to others how they lost their left eye. They didn't want to tell anyone before because they (naturally) assumed that no one would believe them.
An angry mob forms, and they rush out of the church. They find the pirate outside, surround him, and beat him to death.
The parents of the children end up separating. The dad sinks into a terrible depression. The mom starts having an affair with the cabbie, who now has tons of money and owns a casino. She is addicted to pills, which she began using to control her anxiety about having a pirate steal her childrens' eyes and ruin her perfect life.
The End
A mother and father take their 2 young children to their lake house to go fishing. They are cooking sausages on the grill, watching the water. A huge dragon flies out of the water and gouges the little boy's left eye out. Then the dragon turns into a pirate and steals the little girl's left eye with the aid of some fancy eye-theft headphones that leave a distinctive scar on the left temple. The parents recall that their small niece is also missing her left eye and has the scar.
They drive home, agonizing about how their life is going to change. When they get back to the city, they go downtown. They're walking the streets and see a cab driver leaning on his car, which is parked outside of a church. They get closer and realize that he only has one eye. The left eye is missing.
They get to talking and figure out that a pirate also took the cabbie's eye. He is amazed by this revelation and says, "We have to tell my brother! He owns this costume shop here by the church!"
And then the terrifying pirate shows up. Turns out that it's the cabbie's brother. What a jerk, stealing his own brother's eye like that! And then lying to him for all those years, saying he was going to avenge him? So, cabbie is super-pissed.
The cab driver and the family march into the church, the mother encouraging her children to take off their eye patches to show that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
The people in the church start murmuring. They're saying, "I wonder if it was a pirate?" We then realize that there are several people inside the church who have lost an eye. For the first time in their lives, they are acknowledging to others how they lost their left eye. They didn't want to tell anyone before because they (naturally) assumed that no one would believe them.
An angry mob forms, and they rush out of the church. They find the pirate outside, surround him, and beat him to death.
The parents of the children end up separating. The dad sinks into a terrible depression. The mom starts having an affair with the cabbie, who now has tons of money and owns a casino. She is addicted to pills, which she began using to control her anxiety about having a pirate steal her childrens' eyes and ruin her perfect life.
The End
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Vitamins
The sinus infection war rages on. The antibiotics and I are losing.
At the recommendation of one of my friends, I got some Zicam. I got the menthol nasal spray (which is very pleasant and soothing) and the oral mist in Arctic Mint flavor. They try to claim, "Great taste!"
Lies. Cruel lies. Zinc does not taste good. Never has. Probably never will. A more honest statement advertisement would be, "It's still kinda gross, but hopefully we've disguised it enough that you won't gag."
I remember my first traumatizing experience with zinc. It all started with me hating to take vitamins.
My parents had decided that I should graduate from Flintstones chewables to "grown up" pills. To say I rebelled is an understatement. I would do anything to avoid taking vitamins. I thought I was pretty good at pretending to swallow them, but my parents quickly caught on.
They started checking my pockets after dinner. Soon, even my socks weren't a safe hiding place. Of course, I came up with a few ways to get around that. When I was in college, we found a collection of vitamins in the pockets of an Advent calendar, placed there years before by yours truly.
Finally, my dad got sick of it. He sat me down one night after dinner with a multivitamin and a glass of water. He said, "Lauren, you are not leaving this table without taking this vitamin. You have two choices. You can swallow the pill. Or, you can dissolve it in the glass of water and drink it.
"Haha!" I thought. "Dissolving it won't be so bad. Dad thinks I can't get through life not learning to swallow pills. I'll show him!"
"I'll drink it," I said.
"Okaaay," he drawled, "It's not going to taste very good."
"That's what I want to do." It couldn't be that bad....
WRONG. It. Was. Totally. Disgusting. I took me several minutes to force down 2 gulps. And I couldn't manage any more. My dad had other things to do, so he let me go for the night.
But the next evening, I was faced with the same choice.
I learned how to swallow pills.
My next task is learning to tolerate sinus irrigation. I freaking hate it. It makes me gag. But the same friend who recommended the Zicam assured me that he can now use a neti pot without any ill effects. And it only took a year to get used to it....
That's some serious dedication. But after more that three months of this crap, I'm ready to not be sick anymore.
At the recommendation of one of my friends, I got some Zicam. I got the menthol nasal spray (which is very pleasant and soothing) and the oral mist in Arctic Mint flavor. They try to claim, "Great taste!"
Lies. Cruel lies. Zinc does not taste good. Never has. Probably never will. A more honest statement advertisement would be, "It's still kinda gross, but hopefully we've disguised it enough that you won't gag."
I remember my first traumatizing experience with zinc. It all started with me hating to take vitamins.
My parents had decided that I should graduate from Flintstones chewables to "grown up" pills. To say I rebelled is an understatement. I would do anything to avoid taking vitamins. I thought I was pretty good at pretending to swallow them, but my parents quickly caught on.
They started checking my pockets after dinner. Soon, even my socks weren't a safe hiding place. Of course, I came up with a few ways to get around that. When I was in college, we found a collection of vitamins in the pockets of an Advent calendar, placed there years before by yours truly.
Finally, my dad got sick of it. He sat me down one night after dinner with a multivitamin and a glass of water. He said, "Lauren, you are not leaving this table without taking this vitamin. You have two choices. You can swallow the pill. Or, you can dissolve it in the glass of water and drink it.
"Haha!" I thought. "Dissolving it won't be so bad. Dad thinks I can't get through life not learning to swallow pills. I'll show him!"
"I'll drink it," I said.
"Okaaay," he drawled, "It's not going to taste very good."
"That's what I want to do." It couldn't be that bad....
WRONG. It. Was. Totally. Disgusting. I took me several minutes to force down 2 gulps. And I couldn't manage any more. My dad had other things to do, so he let me go for the night.
But the next evening, I was faced with the same choice.
I learned how to swallow pills.
My next task is learning to tolerate sinus irrigation. I freaking hate it. It makes me gag. But the same friend who recommended the Zicam assured me that he can now use a neti pot without any ill effects. And it only took a year to get used to it....
That's some serious dedication. But after more that three months of this crap, I'm ready to not be sick anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)