Reunion 2011: Life Lessons

Don't punch someone if you know they can punch you harder.

Unless you know you can run faster.

Why I Always Wore Boring Underwear

When I was in third grade, there were two kids in my class who liked to try and see what kind of underwear the other children were wearing. They would pull out the back of the pants of whatever kid was sitting or standing in front of them.

Unfortunately, I sat in their row in gym class and had to deal with their crap all the time. In the past I had flashed dirty looks at the girl who had sneaked a peek while we were standing in line.

And then came the day that I will never forget. We were sitting in gym class. I was wearing a pair of red sweatpants. It was a Monday. Time to rotate spots in line-and I was the row leader! Yea!

I proudly bounced up from my newly procured spot, trying to decide which stretch I would pick for the class to do. Windmills?! Or maybe jumping jacks!

Before I could even realize what was happening, my red sweatpants were around my ankles and the whole class was laughing at me. I heard the most popular girl in the third grade giggle, "She has teddy bears on her underwear!"

When I got home, I threw away those godforsaken teddy bear underwear. And the pairs with little yellow ducks, pink butterflies, purple flowers, even polka dots. "Never again," I vowed. "I will wear plain white underwear for the rest of my life."

And I did for the next 5 years.

Today I consider myself fully recovered. These days, I've taken a turn the other way around. If I had sufficient income I would wear a new pair of colorful underoos every day.

Construction Clowns

You know those orange construction cones? Not the little orange ones.

The big orange and white ones they use on the interstate. They're really more barrels than cones.

Clowns live in those. Sometimes you can catch them popping their heads out as you drive by.

But you have to be vigilant. They move pretty quickly.

If you get creeped out by clowns....well, let's just hope the traffic's not too bad this summer...

Pigeons, You Got Nothin' *

I am more paranoid now of birds than ever before.

I was taking a walk through the park today, minding my own business, admiring the ponds and flowers, and contemplating what I was going to get at the grocery store.

Then I heard a loud buzzing behind my head. I ducked and cringed, thinking, "Please don't sting me, Giant Bee!"

Suddenly, I felt the quick beating of wings against my head and the tangle of claws in my hair!

I tossed my head as I ran and swung my arms wildly! My attacker relented. Stunned, I looked back to catch a glimpse of the assailant.

It was one of these, a red-winged blackbird:

http://www.learner.org/jnorth/tm/spring/BlackBirdGuide.html

Just look at his beady little eyes. This is the face of a true villain. He's past the poop. He means business.


*Dear Pigeons, 
Please don't take this as a challenge to create more sinister plots against me. You have a special place in my heart.
Sincerely,
Lauren

String Cheese

I don't understand people who eat string cheese by just biting off a hunk. Eww.

String cheese is meant to be peeled. It makes it taste better. For real. It increases the surface area of cheese that is exposed to your tongue, so the flavor just bursts to life!

Or at least it makes the texture better and not so processed-shiny.

Reunion 2011: Rest Stop

My awkward sitting posture on public toilets has caused me problems yet again. But this time it wasn't the automatic flushing (see Potty Predicament).

I've become pretty proficient at doing the one-handed toilet paper tear (since I have to sit on the other hand).

But not when the front of the toilet paper roll dispenser is missing.

I ended up flinging the foot-wide roll off of its inch-long peg, and it went tumbling across the floor.

I did a couple of quick (one-handed) yanks, which only served to unravel the roll even more. There was toilet paper pretty much all over the restroom.

Finally, I managed to tear the paper. That stuff was sturdy!

You will be relieved to know that I held back my laughter until exiting the restroom. Because, seriously, chuckles from inside a bathroom stall are a little creepy.