I've had a brief hiatus from Watermelon Nosebleed, but a Morgan Family Reunion has inspired some humor and fabulousness. It's always a great event- I never realize how much I miss these guys until I'm finally spending some time with them.
So, let me begin at the beginning. I left Chicago and picked up my Grandma in Dekalb. Grandpa Buddy was fast asleep, so we decided to just eat lunch and get on our way. "There's a McDonald's and a Wendy's close by," Grandma offered.
However, when we got back to her apartment she pulled out an already-opened can of four cheese marinara sauce.
"Does this look like something you'd eat?"
"Sure, that looks good."
"I don't want it to go to waste, and I'd just as soon use it today."
So she started heating up the sauce.
"Now, I don't have anything to put it on, like pasta. So I guess we'll just eat it like soup. "
I searched her cabinets, and there really wasn't anything that one might normally put tomato sauce on.
Grandma did point out the oyster crackers, some bread, and chunky peanut butter.
When the sauce was good and hot, we scooped it into 2 bowls. I added some oyster crackers to mine. I love pasta sauce, but it's not exactly delicious as a solo deal. It sure as hell isn't anywhere close to being tomato soup.
I managed to force down 4-5 bites between gulps of flat 7up and treasured bites of blackberries and peanut butter on bread. I don't know how, but Grandma finished her whole bowl of pasta sauce.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Lotion Emergency
Have you ever had dry hands and felt extremely uncomfortable until they were properly moisturized?
If so, you may have experienced a non-life-threatening but nonetheless serious condition known as Lotion Emergency.
Lotion Emergency symptoms vary from person to person but often include the following:
Dry, dessicated sensation of the feet or hands
Tingling or prickling sensation of the palms or soles of the feet
Feelings of anxiety, unease, or sense of dread
Acute decrease in ability to focus
Irritability
Causes of Lotion Emergency include:
Dry, winter weather
Hand-washing
Reading the newspaper
Writing with chalk
The sound of another person filing their nails
Left untreated, a person experiencing Lotion Emergency may experience rage, severe anxiety, or a psychotic break.
There are no lab tests or doctor appointments needed to diagnose Lotion Emergency.
The most effective initial treatment is application of lotion, which may be found at most drug stores, department stores, and specialty retailers. Less effective treatments that may decrease symptoms until lotion can be found include chapstick, rubbing the palms together briskly while breathing warm air on them, and licking the hands.
Prevention includes application of lotion before, during, or immediately after a causatory event. It is recommended that those susceptible to Lotion Emergency carry a moisturizer with them at all times.
If so, you may have experienced a non-life-threatening but nonetheless serious condition known as Lotion Emergency.
Lotion Emergency symptoms vary from person to person but often include the following:
Dry, dessicated sensation of the feet or hands
Tingling or prickling sensation of the palms or soles of the feet
Feelings of anxiety, unease, or sense of dread
Acute decrease in ability to focus
Irritability
Causes of Lotion Emergency include:
Dry, winter weather
Hand-washing
Reading the newspaper
Writing with chalk
The sound of another person filing their nails
Left untreated, a person experiencing Lotion Emergency may experience rage, severe anxiety, or a psychotic break.
There are no lab tests or doctor appointments needed to diagnose Lotion Emergency.
The most effective initial treatment is application of lotion, which may be found at most drug stores, department stores, and specialty retailers. Less effective treatments that may decrease symptoms until lotion can be found include chapstick, rubbing the palms together briskly while breathing warm air on them, and licking the hands.
Prevention includes application of lotion before, during, or immediately after a causatory event. It is recommended that those susceptible to Lotion Emergency carry a moisturizer with them at all times.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Nature's Surprises
Yesterday, I helped plant some flowers in a community garden. I expertly avoided the poison ivy that was growing by the wall where we were shoveling. But a far more sinister event awaited me.
After our work was done, a group of us went to someone's house to enjoy a beer, eat some ice cream, and chat.
As we were walking down the sidewalk, we saw something fall out of a tree and heard a powerful thud. Being curious folk, we scurried over to see what it was. A nut? A stick?
One of the guys reached down to flip it over, but just in time we all registered what it was.
The head of a very recently deceased bird.
As we looked up into the tree, I half expected the bird's butt to fall on our faces. Knowing my experience with the contents of bird butts, this wouldn't have come as a shocker. There was a crow in the tree, rejoicing ominously in its fresh meal.
Ah, nature is full of treasures.
After our work was done, a group of us went to someone's house to enjoy a beer, eat some ice cream, and chat.
As we were walking down the sidewalk, we saw something fall out of a tree and heard a powerful thud. Being curious folk, we scurried over to see what it was. A nut? A stick?
One of the guys reached down to flip it over, but just in time we all registered what it was.
The head of a very recently deceased bird.
As we looked up into the tree, I half expected the bird's butt to fall on our faces. Knowing my experience with the contents of bird butts, this wouldn't have come as a shocker. There was a crow in the tree, rejoicing ominously in its fresh meal.
Ah, nature is full of treasures.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Annoying Dream Syndrome Dictionary
The following entries are definitions of various phenomena that occasionally occur in my dreams:
Bladder Syndrome
1. The action in your dream gets interrupted by encounters with bathrooms that are dirty and disgusting. Often the bathrooms become increasingly more disgusting as the dream progresses.
2. You are looking for a restroom in your dream, and the only toilets you can find are in public places, such as parking lots or classrooms.
Bladder Syndrome commonly occurs when you have to pee in real life. It's your brain's cruel way of edging you awake to pee in your own clean, private toilet.
Blind Syndrome
1. You are trying to open your eyes, but are unable to do so. May or may not be accompanied by the feeling of being tired.
2. You are able to open your eyes, but everything is covered in a gray haze or is very blurry.
Often occurs during important exams, or at moments when you are about to read a document that will tell you the cure for cancer.
Broken Syndrome
1. An important object in your dream is broken. WARNING: This may be infectious.
ie. One telephone is broken. You try a second phone. It starts ringing! Then, it cuts out. Every single phone you try is broken.
Maze Syndrome
1. You can't seem to find your way around anywhere. Actually, this is kind of like real life for me. But more intense.
2. You have a map that changes every time you look at it.
3. You walk out of a room, and when you try to walk back into the same room, it has changed.
This is especially annoying when you have left something in the living room, which is now in a different place. You not only have to search for the object you wanted, you have to search the whole dang house to find the living room.
Mute Syndrome
1. Your mouth is glued shut, making it impossible to speak.
2. No sounds will come out of you, no matter how hard you try.
3. You are only able to make silly sounds when you try to speak. This includes but is not limited to squawking, barking, or the sound of a toilet flushing.
Naked Syndrome
1. You are naked. You can't find clothes. If you do manage to find clothes, there is some insurmountable force that keeps the clothes off of you, or nakeds you up again. Others may or may not realize that you are in the buff. If they do realize it, they may be upset or like it a little too much for comfort.
Stuck Syndrome
1. You're trying very hard to move, but your feet are glued to the ground.
2. You are able to move, but only in veeeeeerrrrryyyyyyyyy slllloooooooooow moooooootiooonnnnn.
Not unlike swimming in Jello. Not that you've probably experienced that....
Tooth Syndrome
1. Your teeth fall out or crumble. This may occur suddenly or be spread throughout the dream.
2. Alternately, only the bottom half of all of your teeth fall out/disintegrate.
3. Your teeth are very crooked, or become increasingly crooked.
Treadmill Syndrome
1. You walk forever and feel like you're moving, but your surroundings don't change.
Bladder Syndrome
1. The action in your dream gets interrupted by encounters with bathrooms that are dirty and disgusting. Often the bathrooms become increasingly more disgusting as the dream progresses.
2. You are looking for a restroom in your dream, and the only toilets you can find are in public places, such as parking lots or classrooms.
Bladder Syndrome commonly occurs when you have to pee in real life. It's your brain's cruel way of edging you awake to pee in your own clean, private toilet.
Blind Syndrome
1. You are trying to open your eyes, but are unable to do so. May or may not be accompanied by the feeling of being tired.
2. You are able to open your eyes, but everything is covered in a gray haze or is very blurry.
Often occurs during important exams, or at moments when you are about to read a document that will tell you the cure for cancer.
Broken Syndrome
1. An important object in your dream is broken. WARNING: This may be infectious.
ie. One telephone is broken. You try a second phone. It starts ringing! Then, it cuts out. Every single phone you try is broken.
Maze Syndrome
1. You can't seem to find your way around anywhere. Actually, this is kind of like real life for me. But more intense.
2. You have a map that changes every time you look at it.
3. You walk out of a room, and when you try to walk back into the same room, it has changed.
This is especially annoying when you have left something in the living room, which is now in a different place. You not only have to search for the object you wanted, you have to search the whole dang house to find the living room.
Mute Syndrome
1. Your mouth is glued shut, making it impossible to speak.
2. No sounds will come out of you, no matter how hard you try.
3. You are only able to make silly sounds when you try to speak. This includes but is not limited to squawking, barking, or the sound of a toilet flushing.
Naked Syndrome
1. You are naked. You can't find clothes. If you do manage to find clothes, there is some insurmountable force that keeps the clothes off of you, or nakeds you up again. Others may or may not realize that you are in the buff. If they do realize it, they may be upset or like it a little too much for comfort.
Stuck Syndrome
1. You're trying very hard to move, but your feet are glued to the ground.
2. You are able to move, but only in veeeeeerrrrryyyyyyyyy slllloooooooooow moooooootiooonnnnn.
Not unlike swimming in Jello. Not that you've probably experienced that....
Tooth Syndrome
1. Your teeth fall out or crumble. This may occur suddenly or be spread throughout the dream.
2. Alternately, only the bottom half of all of your teeth fall out/disintegrate.
3. Your teeth are very crooked, or become increasingly crooked.
Treadmill Syndrome
1. You walk forever and feel like you're moving, but your surroundings don't change.
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