Running in the Rain

Happy Halloween everybody!

I had a super fun adventure today.

I was going to be lazy and plop myself on the couch, but I decided to keep my running pledge and knock out a few miles.

Got back from my run, feeling pretty proud that I'd gotten my butt in gear and looking forward to watching a horror flick while eating breakfast for dinner.

And my keys were gone. Must have fallen out of my pocket while running.

I looked at my phone and thought "I have 20 minutes of daylight."

And I charged off to retrace my steps. Made it 2 1/2 more miles (faster than the first 3 1/2!) before it finally got too dark to keep searching.

So, I'm sitting on my porch-wet, cold, in the dark, trying to decide how long I can wait for my awesome bestie to bring my spare keys before I go meander around Walgreen's to stay warm.

And it's Halloween. For the past 2 years, I've gotten big bags of candy and waited eagerly for little witches and Supermen to run down my street, but I've always ended up being disappointed. But this year, there were actually a few Trick-or-Treaters.

One kid saw me, opened the gate, and started running up the stairs, "Trick or Treat!!"

I was like, "I'm soooooo sorry, but I have no candy."

The kid stops mid-step and looks at me, trying to figure out if I'm joking.

"No really. I know, it's deceiving, because I'm sitting out here. But I don't even have keys, let alone candy."

He turned around slowly, I think half expecting me to say, "Tricked ya! He're a King-Sized Reese's!"

I'm waiting to get egged.

Study Time!

Sally wants me to fail my Patho exam tomorrow, as evidenced by:

What, you wanted to use the desk to write?

Jungle Gym!

You are no longer allowed to use this arm.

Haha! You can't see 'cause my anus is in the way!

Yeeeeeeesss.....fascinating....

I know! The answer is that one!

Let's Play a Game: Level 3

Which quotes are from patients, and which are from staff? Take a guess!

"I would love if that camel worked here!"

"Does cherry pie have calories?"

"He looks like he's pregnant with a turtle."

"No, I know they used to have tan M&Ms because I remember thinking to myself, 'that looks like a horse.'"

"Maybe you would sleep better if you wasn't such a whore!"

I'm Sick!

When I was in grade school, I sometimes played sick (gasp!).

I had to make it look real, though.

One time I prepared a "vomit" concoction of lotion, milk, and saltines to pour in the toilet.

Smelled a little like freesia, but it got the job done.

Makeout Tip #1

"Never French kiss someone. Seriously. Tongues taste weird."

(From my little sister when she was 12.)

Riding in Cars with Grams

Grandma: "Dearheart, do you have any thongs I could borrow?"

Me: "Uhhhhhhhhh...."

Grandma:  "I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow, and I don't have any thongs to wear."

I don't understand my cat.

She will do crazy acrobatics, sneak attacks, vaults into paper bags, whatever it takes to steal a pod of edamame from me.

But when I offer her a little piece of turkey and she turns her nose up at it.

The Hazards of Being Too Quiet

I went to a party over the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend, didn't know anyone else there, and mostly spent the night catching up with sister.

Near the end of the night, someone mentioned asking Siri...I dunno, something.

So I chimed in, "Did you know that you can ask, 'Hey, Siri, where can a bury a dead body?' And Siri will respond, 'Are you looking for a graveyard or a landfill?'"

The guy was like, "Waaaait a minute. Hold on. You haven't said a word all night, and now you're talking about burying dead bodies?!"

Officially the shy creeper, right here.

This Could Only Mean One Thing...

My Interpretation of Signs from Down Under

Please keep your seat belt fastened low and tight while you admire your junk.

If you hug a child too hard, he'll feel you up.

Well, somebody doesn't like Sigourney Weaver.

Strap-on Babies!

NO Dancing       NO McDonalds       NO Praying on Hotdogs

 

 

 

 

Be sure to walk the trail next to a tour buddy who is significantly shorter/taller than you.

WARNING!!! Cats and Dogs do NOT get along!!!

It's Huge!

Someone at work renamed Internet Explorer.

True Love Ain't No Myth

Sleep Eating is Tragic

My graduation present from my parents after college was LASIK (Best. Gift. EVER.)

You're awake for the procedure, but they give you Valium and a little stuffed dog.

The surgery went very well. When I sat up, I could read the clock on the wall. Sure, it was a little blurry. Then again when I entered the operating room I couldn't even see that there was a clock on the wall in the first place.

The stuffed animal was actually unexpectedly comforting. They took it away as I was sitting up when the procedure was over. Apparently they give the same stuffed animal to all the patients, and you don't get to keep it when you leave. I actually had a moment of, "Whaaa...why are you taking my friend away?!" 

After the surgery, they give you a prescription for 2 Ambien. You take one right after the surgery (keeping your eyes closed helps speed healing, and you are knocked out for the most uncomfortable part of recovery) and one the first night (since you already slept all day).

We picked it up from the pharmacy, and I took it right away, thinking it would take a while to kick in. Not so when you've already taken Valium.

By the time we got home, I was soooo drugged out. My mom made me some Kraft white cheddar macaroni and cheese, and I slurred to her, "Mama...this is the BEST macaroni and cheese I have EVER eaten!"

She also had some homemade ice cream cookies. She said "Why don't you wait till after you wake up to eat one?" She helped me up to my room and I crashed for a few hours.

When I came downstairs, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "Hey! Can I have that ice cream sandwich now?"

".....Honey.....you ate it."

"Nuh uh! You told me to eat it later."

"And then you compromised for half...and then you insisted on eating the whole thing."

My younger sister glared at me, "Are you serious?! There was ONE chocolate chocolate chip cookie sandwich left. One. I wanted it. You're saying you ate it AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER?"

Sad day. At least I could see....

Drunken Cleaning

Tonight I have established these Pros and Cons of drunken cleaning:

Pro: I feel like more or less everything is fun, including cleaning.
Con: I get distracted by things like watching pretty much every existing interview with Rebel Wilson on YouTube.

Pro: I totally rock out and sing in the shower.
Con: My neighbors' ears are bleeding. But screw them, they threw all their junk and barfed in my back yard.

Pro: 26 degrees doesn't feel cold when you take the trash out,
Con: I almost fell on my ass taking the trash out.
Pro: I failed at falling.

Pro: All of my laundry (minus three items) has either been put away or is currently in the dryer.
Con: Matching socks becomes more difficult. New Year's Resolution: Only ever buy one brand of socks, so they always match.

Pro: I'll be like, "There are approximately 4mL of cleaner left in this bottle. What shit can I clean with this?!
Con: I'll be like, "Awww, there are only 4mL of wine left in this bottle. Sad."