Bit-O-Crappy

Everyone deals with the Halloween Candy Situation a little differently. A few people have incredible will power and are able to "just say no." Some people pick their favorite candy to hand out to the kids so that they can enjoy a few pieces between doorbell rings. Others get something they hate so that they won't be tempted by it.

This must be the reason that anyone hands out Bit-O-Honey. Nobody likes that crap. It's all hard and gross. Probably because they stopped making years ago, and every piece that's on the market today is leftover from the 70's.

And when the children dig through all their candy at the end of the night, sorting and trading with siblings and friends, they pretty much instantly chuck out the Bit-O-Honey to avert contamination of the candy that actually tastes better than tar. The unfortunate child who is duped into handing over a single Reese's in exchange for all of their older brother's Bit-O-Honey quickly learns not to ever put that in their mouth again. Approximately 96% of the Bit-O-Honey sold each year ends up in the trash.

Then, the Waste Management employee who collects and submits the greatest number of pounds of Bit-O-Honey is given a special Holiday Bonus.

The following Halloween, all of the repossessed Bit-O-Honey is recirculated in convenience and grocery stores across the country. A pretty genius scam!

Etymology

I have often pondered the origin of the word "grim."

Yes, I am a nerd.

Really, what I want to know is if it became a word before or after the Brothers Grimm published those ominous tales about cannibalistic witches eating small children and hunters who surgically remove grandmothers from wolf stomachs. 

Is it just a fun coincidence that their name was so appropriate? Or did people read the stories and then start saying, "Ooooh, that's so Grimm!"

Wikipedia tells me that the Brothers Grimm also did some work on the German dictionary, so maybe they sneaked in a little propaganda there...

Welcome Back!

I basically hardly slept for 2 days. Restless legs = DOOM. So last night, when I got an amazing 10 hours, my dreams threw a "Welcome Back" party for me.

First off, my little sister tried to drive an ice cream truck into the hotel where we were staying. Then, she knuckle-walked over to me like a blond gorilla and tried to bite half my face off. She was making these "nyom-nyom-nyom" noises into my eyeball while my older sister watched on in horror and scolded, "No! Bad Corinne!"

For the rest of my dream she kept switching back and forth from nice, normal Corinne to psychotic cannibal. I was very suspicious of her intentions when she tried to hug me.

Then we had to go jet skiing through frigid water to go to a dirty island where we had to climb tall trees and pick tomatoes from them. The crazy Childrens Choir director was there instructing us on what to do with them. We had to get every last one. IN JESUS NAME!!!

Finally, we kicked a grumpy old man out of our house because he was being a jerk during dinner. He turned into a tiger and tried to hide in the garage. Tazmanian-Devil-Corinne started to eat the car tires, which alarmed the crabby tiger enough to wander away into the woods.

Thank you for the lovely party, sleep. But it looks like maybe you didn't miss me as much as I missed you.

She'll Scare the Hell Out of You

When we were growing up, our church had a Children's Choir director.  I guess you could say she was a little fanatical about religion and Jesus. She terrorized many little children with her screeching voice and horn-rimmed glasses that gave her stern face an especially sinister frown. Here's a collection of some of the crazy stuff she told us:


She told Joe that the devil in him when he had a cold.

When Matt got a new puppy, one of its ears was floppy. Most people would think this is adorable, but according to her, "It's a sign that your dog is possessed by the devil. You should return it immediately and get a dog that is wholesome in the eyes of God."

Corinne says, "She turned 'This Little Light of Mine' into a horror show by putting a devilish emphasis on 'DON'T LET SATAN POOF IT OUT!' I'm pretty sure I remember her eyes bugging out of her head and steam rolling out of her ears."

From Lauren S: "She told us that the day you die is a Big Black X on the calendar of your life. And then that guy had a heart attack in the middle of service and Becky was like,  "HIS X CAME UP!!!"

She said, "Nothing bad has ever happened to my family because we are so close to God." Then her husband died...

She told us, "You MUST end your prayers with, 'IN JESUS NAME, AMEN.' If you don't pray in Jesus' name, God will not listen to your prayers."

From Nick: "I remember her telling us that people would hide under your car at the Venture parking lot and cut your Achilles tendon so you can't run away and then steal your car. Good advice for young children."

From Becky: "I remember when John and Nick wanted to quit choir. They made their mom tell her. I remember seeing Nick hiding in that little elevator shaft because he was scared of her. I'd be scared, too. Those eyes will put a curse on you for sure!"

She owned a shop that sold swimming gear, so I had the distinct pleasure of seeing her after she left Arcadia. I got a t-shirt one time that said "Property of Swim Team" and she told me, "Now, it's a good quality shirt, but just remember you are really property of God."

From Monica: When I saw her at Rob's wedding, the first thing she asked was not "Oh, how have you been, what are you doing, how's the family?"
No, it was "Have you found Jesus?"
I mean, Jesus is always the last place you look, but I never lost him. I just told her "Yes, ma'am."
"How about your family?"
"Yes."
"Oh, good! I really tried to teach you kids about Jesus!"
She had previously told one of our parents that she tried to teach the kids about Jesus since Arcadia was not a "Bible-preaching church."

Knives. They Kill You.

I have kind of always been afraid of knives. I just get the creepy feeling that they are going to hurt me. Like they have special powers.

So if you accidentally drop one, it will gain so much momentum as it falls through the air that it will almost certainly stab you through the foot.

And if you reach into a sink full of dishes, the knife will be veiled there by a cloak of invisibility only to appear in your palm as you grab to pick something up. Then you lose your pinky.

You don't even want to know about the dangers that are lurking when you're cutting up your steak and potatoes.


It all started with "one of those things sisters do."


I was happily singing a silly song of some sort, when Monica demanded, "Lauren, stop singing."

I looked at her bitterly. I stopped singing.  And I started humming.

"STOP humming!"

So I started whistling.

"STOP MAKING NOISES FROM YOUR MOUTH!!!"

So I tapped my fingers on the table.

At this point, Monica had had enough, so she grabbed a carving knife, stomped over, and held the knife up to my neck threatening, "If you don't shut up right now, I will slit your throat."

I did not make a peep.

Instead, I found other ways of pissing her off, like wearing my glasses halfway down my nose and refusing to push them up. I'm still kind of fuzzy on how this was going to boost me ahead....

Short Clips from Creepy Dreams

Here are some of the menacing thoughts that float around in my brain while I'm sleeping:

Man's body. Head of a deer.

I used to have recurring dreams in grade school where The Bad Lauren would capture my imaginary friend, Wando. She tied him to a big silver platter, squirted him with lots of mustard, and put him in an oven.

I was a hallucination, and everybody was telling me I wasn't real.

Lucille Ball was burying pieces of a body that she had chopped up after murdering someone. She said, "I'm not proud of it, but there were some things I just had to do to get ahead in show business."

All I know is, there was a baby line dancing to Achy-Breaky Heart while holding someones internal organs.

Five Gross Words

Please do not use these words in my presence:

Moist. Why would you ever use this word to describe cake?

Fondle. This word pretty much = pedophile.

Spongy. It's like dirty sea foam getting mushed between your toes.

Panties.  Just say "underwear."

Succubus. Suck-u-what?

Anatomy

Conversation in the Nurse's Station between a social worker and the unit secretary:

"I have to be careful. I don't want her to punch me in the throat and break my tibia."

"No, that's in your leg."

"Well, what's the bone called that's by your throat? It sounds like tibia. Libia? Oh-labia?"

"It's definitely not your labia."

A Tribute

The last time I saw my Grandpa Buddy, my mom and I took him out to the garden in his wheelchair. As we strolled around, he could identify just about every plant we came across-he was kind of a botanist bad-ass. We talked about my vegetable garden, and he gave me advice about what flowers to plant in the shade. It is a beautiful final memory to have.

I love you, Grandpa, and I'll miss you.

Creepy Commercials

The Broadview Security commercials are super creeptastic.

These men who try to break in are not robbers. 

They are all murderers or rapists. 

They always peer into the window and see that the victim is home before they try to shatter it.

Examples:

1st Date

Trecherous Treadmil

Backyard Badguy

AJ the Attacker

Maybe He Just Wanted Popcorn?

Happy October!

It's the month of my favorite holiday! I may or may not get more excited about Halloween than your average 7-year-old. Therefore, my posts this month will be dedicated to all things gross, creepy, and scary. Consider yourselves warned.

So, I went to bed at about 7:00 pm last night. I actually just meant to take a quick nap, but I'm fighting off a cold. I think the 13 hours of sleep I've gotten in the last 24 hours has done me well, as I am not hacking up any lungs.

I woke up at some point during the night utterly convinced that there was a Tyrannosaurus Rex in my bedroom. I felt my breathing quicken, and told myself, "I just need to stay completely still so it doesn't find me and eat me."

Once I had woken up enough to remember that dinosaurs are extinct, I was possessed by a new terror. There was someone else in my apartment. I heard their footsteps, and a grocery bag rustling around.

I reached for my phone. I cursed that no one had invented 9-1-1 texting so I could notify the police without letting the intruder know I was aware of their presence. Who knows, they might bludgeon me?

Then it occurred to me that it was more likely to be Sally than a murderer. But I still didn't feel totally relaxed about getting up to go to the bathroom.