Homework: How The Magic Happens

 

Surprises and Adventures

I went back to Peoria this weekend for a surprise birthday party for my sister (a total hit-she was shocked!).

We were out till waaaaay past my bedtime, and I left to go back to her place before the festivities totally ended. I took her boyfriend's keys (she left hers at home), and I was instructed to leave the front door unlocked so they could get in. I was also assigned an intense, 34-step process for letting the dogs out.

After a few minutes of joyful pouncing and puppy kisses, I let Parker out first.

He did his business all lickity split and came back inside. Snuggle muffin that he is, he made only minor attempts at licking my eyeballs out while I wiped his paws off.

Mila was next. She is not quite as focused as Parker when it comes to peeing. So, step 21-ish in the dog-letting-out process, I put Corinne's Uggs on and went outside with Mila to prevent mud-bathing. After a few minutes she did her thang and we walked back to the door.

It was locked. Not the handle. The deadbolt.

Parker had locked me out by jumping on the door.

"No big deal," I thought, "I left the front door unlocked, so I can just go in that way."

Nope. Apparently, my lock-doing reflex had kicked in.

I went back to the back yard. It was kinda chilly, and I had no coat on. I was thinking, "I have no idea when they're getting back. I'm glad I have the (only slightly muddy) furry dog out here with me. We will cuddle and stay warm....Oh shit, I have the only key!"

After 45 seconds of trying to get Parker to jump juuuuust the right way to undo the deadbolt, I decided, "Nevermind, no way in Hell is that's going to work." He just looked at me and whined, like, "Why aren't you coming back inside?"

I ended up crawling in through this window, which started closing on me when I was about halfway through.

Parker was sooooooooo excited, "O-yay! Cuddles! You're back! I can't wait to slobber your face off!" Him jumping all over me while I planked between the window and counter top did not make it any easier to get my legs unstuck!

But all's well that ends well, and I got to snuggle both of these sweet pups before we all hit the hay.

 

Come Again?

What I heard: "You don't know who licked the virgin."

What was said: "Let me do my version."


What I heard: "He had a goat probe"

What was said: "GoPro" (camera you can strap to your head)


What I heard: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm in the stairwell."

What was said: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm at a fairy princess tea party."

Study Time!

Sally wants me to fail my Patho exam tomorrow, as evidenced by:

What, you wanted to use the desk to write?

Jungle Gym!

You are no longer allowed to use this arm.

Haha! You can't see 'cause my anus is in the way!

Yeeeeeeesss.....fascinating....

I know! The answer is that one!

Riding in Cars with Grams

Grandma: "Dearheart, do you have any thongs I could borrow?"

Me: "Uhhhhhhhhh...."

Grandma:  "I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow, and I don't have any thongs to wear."

I don't understand my cat.

She will do crazy acrobatics, sneak attacks, vaults into paper bags, whatever it takes to steal a pod of edamame from me.

But when I offer her a little piece of turkey and she turns her nose up at it.

Drunken Cleaning

Tonight I have established these Pros and Cons of drunken cleaning:

Pro: I feel like more or less everything is fun, including cleaning.
Con: I get distracted by things like watching pretty much every existing interview with Rebel Wilson on YouTube.

Pro: I totally rock out and sing in the shower.
Con: My neighbors' ears are bleeding. But screw them, they threw all their junk and barfed in my back yard.

Pro: 26 degrees doesn't feel cold when you take the trash out,
Con: I almost fell on my ass taking the trash out.
Pro: I failed at falling.

Pro: All of my laundry (minus three items) has either been put away or is currently in the dryer.
Con: Matching socks becomes more difficult. New Year's Resolution: Only ever buy one brand of socks, so they always match.

Pro: I'll be like, "There are approximately 4mL of cleaner left in this bottle. What shit can I clean with this?!
Con: I'll be like, "Awww, there are only 4mL of wine left in this bottle. Sad."

There's No Way I'm Not Related to the Absentminded Professor

Let's play find my wallet!

Purse? Nope.
Work bag? Uh-uh.
Gym bag? Double check with all those compartments and no.

Hmmm...

Coat pocket? Counter top? No...and no.

Let's think about this logically...

Refrigerator! Yup, yup...there it is!

Flight Safety

It's so great that the Flight Safety Manuals on airplanes have such descriptive pictures to explain everything you need to know in case of an emergency, no matter what language you speak. No one could possibly interpret these pictures incorrectly.

For example:

Pregnant women may remove their wombs to use as a pillow.

Inflatable Infants! On Sale Now!

Warning: LSD may cause hallucinations and strange dreams, even in infants.

Use your laser vision to start fires and tear through metal!

Protect your baby from the drug-crazed toddler next to you. Addicted children are unpredictable and potentially dangerous.

Comics

My sister just found these comics that I made in college using PowerPoint. Check out my skills!

A reference to my bird problems

Say What?

Tasty

On my way to the gym today, I saw a girl lick a tree...

Night of the Living Dead!

If you think about it, Jesus was kind of a zombie. This changes some things about how I'm going to decorate for Easter next year...

Lauren's Day Off

For the second time this summer, I showed up to work on my day off.

Last time, I attempted to be super-productive. As I was driving home from non-work, I decided to fill up on gas. But I pulled my car up with my driver's side by the pump. My gas tank is on the passenger side. Mind you, I've driven the same car since I was sixteen....Lets just say I needed some caffeine. Maybe it was a good thing I wasn't taking care of patients that day.

Today I was actually productive. I made pickles. Cleaned the floor. Unclogged the shower. And bought a label maker. I'm hoping that it has some magical powers so that after I label everything clearly, I will suddenly become able to keep it all organized.

You Scream, I Scream

Does anyone else think it's weird that there's an ice cream truck cruising my neighborhood at 9pm when it's dark out?

I'm pretty much sure it's the one with the creepy-looking imitation of Tom & Jerry painted on the back next to the warning,  "Watch For Children!"

I love ice cream and all, but this particular vehicle makes me shudder a little...

Business Plan

Someday I'm going to open a restaurant called "The Grilled Cheese Palace" that will feature pretty much every option of grilled cheese sandwiches you can think of. And some you've probably never considered.

Like grilled cheese and peanut butter. Has to be American cheese. Don't you dare try it with cheddar.

Also, if the temperature exceeds 90 degrees, patrons will get a complimentary scoop of ice cream that day.

Say What?!

I'm really good at mishearing things. When my sisters and I get together, it gets ridiculous. Here are some examples:

"I had too much sugar, and it's hurting my tampon."
"I had too much sugar, and it's hurting my stomach."

"Lord's glittery."
"The floor is glittery."

"I'll get you a gyrating chicken."
"I'll get you some Thai basil chicken."

"He could be a walking Al Pacino, and I wouldn't trust him not to cheat on me."
"He could be the most wonderful person..."

"They have ponchos for daisies."
"They have punches for daisies." (Like a hole-punch, but daisy-shaped...for crafty crap)

"Hello, wheat-stealer!"
"Hello, my teenager!"

"My greatest regret from grade school is that I did not learn to ride a jackal"
"....learn to juggle."

Life Lesson

1. Just because flour and milk looks like pancake batter, doesn't mean it is.....

2. On a related note, label your storage containers.

How To Dry A Swimsuit

It was very humid on my vacation in Punta Cana, so I came up with this brilliant technique for squeezing as much water out of my swimsuit as possible before hanging it up to dry/become less moist:

Wrap it in a towel and stand on it.

Monica walked out of the bathroom while to find me like this. She was like, "What the hell are you doing?"

You are feeling veeery sleeepy...

Today we did Mother's Day at my Grandma's retirement home. I don't know what they spray into the air there...some kind of aerosolized sedative. As soon as I walk in, all I want to do is sleep. Swear to God, it has nothing to do with eating large amounts of food...

I need to get a hold of some of this stuff for my unit.

Vacation Equations

I got back yesterday from a week's vacation to the Dominican Republic with my Monica, and I came up with the following equations to summarize the trip:

















(Warm Weather + Sister Time + Delicious Food + SCUBA + Tan+ New Friends)-(Falling On My Ass + Getting Sick) = Still An Awesome Vacation