Revealing Attire

Back when I was swimming in college, I had to ice my shoulders after every practice. They'd throw a bag of ice on there and saran-wrap it down. If only I'd had the proper blazer, I could have looked like this:

http://www.simplyeighties.com/80s-fashion.php#.U5plVC9w3fQ

So one day, I got my shoulders wrapped and headed off to Saga (the cafeteria) to eat a pound of pasta, an entire chicken, a slice or two of pizza, and one of each dessert that didn't look like a sponge.

As the girl at the entrance swiped me in, she just kind of stared at me for a minute and breathed a deep sigh of relief, "Oh, thank God! Your tank top is tan! At first I thought you were wearing a saran-wrap shirt."

Surprises and Adventures

I went back to Peoria this weekend for a surprise birthday party for my sister (a total hit-she was shocked!).

We were out till waaaaay past my bedtime, and I left to go back to her place before the festivities totally ended. I took her boyfriend's keys (she left hers at home), and I was instructed to leave the front door unlocked so they could get in. I was also assigned an intense, 34-step process for letting the dogs out.

After a few minutes of joyful pouncing and puppy kisses, I let Parker out first.

He did his business all lickity split and came back inside. Snuggle muffin that he is, he made only minor attempts at licking my eyeballs out while I wiped his paws off.

Mila was next. She is not quite as focused as Parker when it comes to peeing. So, step 21-ish in the dog-letting-out process, I put Corinne's Uggs on and went outside with Mila to prevent mud-bathing. After a few minutes she did her thang and we walked back to the door.

It was locked. Not the handle. The deadbolt.

Parker had locked me out by jumping on the door.

"No big deal," I thought, "I left the front door unlocked, so I can just go in that way."

Nope. Apparently, my lock-doing reflex had kicked in.

I went back to the back yard. It was kinda chilly, and I had no coat on. I was thinking, "I have no idea when they're getting back. I'm glad I have the (only slightly muddy) furry dog out here with me. We will cuddle and stay warm....Oh shit, I have the only key!"

After 45 seconds of trying to get Parker to jump juuuuust the right way to undo the deadbolt, I decided, "Nevermind, no way in Hell is that's going to work." He just looked at me and whined, like, "Why aren't you coming back inside?"

I ended up crawling in through this window, which started closing on me when I was about halfway through.

Parker was sooooooooo excited, "O-yay! Cuddles! You're back! I can't wait to slobber your face off!" Him jumping all over me while I planked between the window and counter top did not make it any easier to get my legs unstuck!

But all's well that ends well, and I got to snuggle both of these sweet pups before we all hit the hay.

 

Come Again?

What I heard: "You don't know who licked the virgin."

What was said: "Let me do my version."


What I heard: "He had a goat probe"

What was said: "GoPro" (camera you can strap to your head)


What I heard: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm in the stairwell."

What was said: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm at a fairy princess tea party."

Running in the Rain

Happy Halloween everybody!

I had a super fun adventure today.

I was going to be lazy and plop myself on the couch, but I decided to keep my running pledge and knock out a few miles.

Got back from my run, feeling pretty proud that I'd gotten my butt in gear and looking forward to watching a horror flick while eating breakfast for dinner.

And my keys were gone. Must have fallen out of my pocket while running.

I looked at my phone and thought "I have 20 minutes of daylight."

And I charged off to retrace my steps. Made it 2 1/2 more miles (faster than the first 3 1/2!) before it finally got too dark to keep searching.

So, I'm sitting on my porch-wet, cold, in the dark, trying to decide how long I can wait for my awesome bestie to bring my spare keys before I go meander around Walgreen's to stay warm.

And it's Halloween. For the past 2 years, I've gotten big bags of candy and waited eagerly for little witches and Supermen to run down my street, but I've always ended up being disappointed. But this year, there were actually a few Trick-or-Treaters.

One kid saw me, opened the gate, and started running up the stairs, "Trick or Treat!!"

I was like, "I'm soooooo sorry, but I have no candy."

The kid stops mid-step and looks at me, trying to figure out if I'm joking.

"No really. I know, it's deceiving, because I'm sitting out here. But I don't even have keys, let alone candy."

He turned around slowly, I think half expecting me to say, "Tricked ya! He're a King-Sized Reese's!"

I'm waiting to get egged.

Makeout Tip #1

"Never French kiss someone. Seriously. Tongues taste weird."

(From my little sister when she was 12.)

Riding in Cars with Grams

Grandma: "Dearheart, do you have any thongs I could borrow?"

Me: "Uhhhhhhhhh...."

Grandma:  "I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow, and I don't have any thongs to wear."

The Hazards of Being Too Quiet

I went to a party over the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend, didn't know anyone else there, and mostly spent the night catching up with sister.

Near the end of the night, someone mentioned asking Siri...I dunno, something.

So I chimed in, "Did you know that you can ask, 'Hey, Siri, where can a bury a dead body?' And Siri will respond, 'Are you looking for a graveyard or a landfill?'"

The guy was like, "Waaaait a minute. Hold on. You haven't said a word all night, and now you're talking about burying dead bodies?!"

Officially the shy creeper, right here.

Sleep Eating is Tragic

My graduation present from my parents after college was LASIK (Best. Gift. EVER.)

You're awake for the procedure, but they give you Valium and a little stuffed dog.

The surgery went very well. When I sat up, I could read the clock on the wall. Sure, it was a little blurry. Then again when I entered the operating room I couldn't even see that there was a clock on the wall in the first place.

The stuffed animal was actually unexpectedly comforting. They took it away as I was sitting up when the procedure was over. Apparently they give the same stuffed animal to all the patients, and you don't get to keep it when you leave. I actually had a moment of, "Whaaa...why are you taking my friend away?!" 

After the surgery, they give you a prescription for 2 Ambien. You take one right after the surgery (keeping your eyes closed helps speed healing, and you are knocked out for the most uncomfortable part of recovery) and one the first night (since you already slept all day).

We picked it up from the pharmacy, and I took it right away, thinking it would take a while to kick in. Not so when you've already taken Valium.

By the time we got home, I was soooo drugged out. My mom made me some Kraft white cheddar macaroni and cheese, and I slurred to her, "Mama...this is the BEST macaroni and cheese I have EVER eaten!"

She also had some homemade ice cream cookies. She said "Why don't you wait till after you wake up to eat one?" She helped me up to my room and I crashed for a few hours.

When I came downstairs, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "Hey! Can I have that ice cream sandwich now?"

".....Honey.....you ate it."

"Nuh uh! You told me to eat it later."

"And then you compromised for half...and then you insisted on eating the whole thing."

My younger sister glared at me, "Are you serious?! There was ONE chocolate chocolate chip cookie sandwich left. One. I wanted it. You're saying you ate it AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER?"

Sad day. At least I could see....

Tasty

On my way to the gym today, I saw a girl lick a tree...

Lauren's Day Off

For the second time this summer, I showed up to work on my day off.

Last time, I attempted to be super-productive. As I was driving home from non-work, I decided to fill up on gas. But I pulled my car up with my driver's side by the pump. My gas tank is on the passenger side. Mind you, I've driven the same car since I was sixteen....Lets just say I needed some caffeine. Maybe it was a good thing I wasn't taking care of patients that day.

Today I was actually productive. I made pickles. Cleaned the floor. Unclogged the shower. And bought a label maker. I'm hoping that it has some magical powers so that after I label everything clearly, I will suddenly become able to keep it all organized.

You Scream, I Scream

Does anyone else think it's weird that there's an ice cream truck cruising my neighborhood at 9pm when it's dark out?

I'm pretty much sure it's the one with the creepy-looking imitation of Tom & Jerry painted on the back next to the warning,  "Watch For Children!"

I love ice cream and all, but this particular vehicle makes me shudder a little...

Say What?!

I'm really good at mishearing things. When my sisters and I get together, it gets ridiculous. Here are some examples:

"I had too much sugar, and it's hurting my tampon."
"I had too much sugar, and it's hurting my stomach."

"Lord's glittery."
"The floor is glittery."

"I'll get you a gyrating chicken."
"I'll get you some Thai basil chicken."

"He could be a walking Al Pacino, and I wouldn't trust him not to cheat on me."
"He could be the most wonderful person..."

"They have ponchos for daisies."
"They have punches for daisies." (Like a hole-punch, but daisy-shaped...for crafty crap)

"Hello, wheat-stealer!"
"Hello, my teenager!"

"My greatest regret from grade school is that I did not learn to ride a jackal"
"....learn to juggle."

What's That Called Again?

Sometimes, I start a sentence thinking that I will come up with the words for whatever clever thought I just had.....and then I just have to stop in the middle of the sentence and say, "uh...nevermind..."

Unfortunately, sometimes people take this as a sign that I was about to tell them something really juicy but got embarrassed. And they're like, "No! You can't do that! You have to say it now!" But I got nothin'.

I just went to Baskin' Robbins and requested, "Can I please have a Peanut Butter n Chocolate....uhh... where you mix it up..."

"You mean a Reese's?"

"No...I can't remember the word..." I was basically doing charades while frantically scanning the menu for the word I could not remember: milkshake.

But I was also too nervous to read, so gave up and asked for a scoop instead.

Lockout!

Today I locked my keys in my car, and I had to hang out in my garage for about an hour waiting for a locksmith to come let me in.

But it could have been a lot worse. It could have been like that one time in college.

I was on the swim team, and every year the team took a training trip to Florida after Christmas. Except the year my coach was about to pop out a baby. We got to stay in steamin' Bloomington, IL. Of course, we still took beach pictures:

On the second-to-last day of our "trip," Coach told us that we had earned the next day off. Winter training was done! I hadn't felt homesick since going to college, until that moment. I was exhausted, grumpy, and in pain. 


I only lived an hour away, so I packed up a few things and went out to my car. There had been an ice storm a few days earlier, and my car was coated in an inch-thick layer. Of course, my ice scraper was in my trunk, which was impossible to access. 


Being very resourceful, I quickly discovered that my big plastic comb was perfect for chipping away the ice. I cleared the driver's side door, started the car, and loaded my belongings in. I made sure that the doors were unlocked, and then started going to town on the front windshield. 

I'd been chipping away for at least 10 minutes, enough to clear half the windshield, when I heard "CLICK." I shuffled over to my door and tried the handle. For reasons that remain a mystery to me, Dorothy had locked herself.


Everything was inside the car. My dorm keys. My phone. Campus was closed and deserted. All I had was that stupid comb. And my shoulders hurt like a bitch.

I tried the handle again. Like my wishful thinking was going to magically unlock the door.

I waddled across the street to the athletic center, hoping against hope that my coach was still there. No luck. 

I was walking back to my car, deciding my next move. I would see if there was anyone at the security office. If not, I could use the phone at Walgreens. I just felt like crying. Actually, I may have. I wanted to be at home, in my warm bed, pumped up with Advil.

Then I saw a girl from my dorm unlocking the back door to the building. She was from out of state, moving back in a day early. She let me use her phone, my mom came to Bloomington with an extra key, and I made it back to Peoria for an extra day with my family. So the story has a happy ending, but it was moderately tortuous.


So, today was actually pretty good. Weather wasn't too bad. I had a phone. The locksmith was nice. And then I got to watch Arrested Development all afternoon while eating gelato.

Mixing It Up: That's Just How I Do

Yesterday I renewed my CPR certification. As I was walking from my car to the building for the class, I realized that my feet felt kind of different from each other.

In my rush to make it out the door in time, this is what I left the house wearing:

 

Whoops.

Garbage Juice

When I was working as a lifeguard, we took out the trash at the end of the day by loading it all onto a golf cart to drive out to the dumpster. There was a guy that did some sort of other work at the country club-groundskeeping or something? Apparently he had a crush on me, so he tried to get some "alone time" by helping me one day. 

 

He showed off all sorts of daring tricks to impress me. Like gunning it down the bumpy hill and attempting a 180 that almost crashed us into the side of the dumpster. Which would have been fun, except that I had to hold on to all those garbage bags. They had been roasting in the sun all day, so they were pretty stinky.

As we were unloading the trash, some garbage juice spilled onto the seat of the golf cart. Being oh-so-gentlemanly, the guy took off his shirt and wiped it off so I could sit on a clean seat. 

 

But then he put his smelly garbage-soaked shirt back on. 

 

He was chivalrous. But he didn't smell so good.

Scuba Peeing

A few years ago Monica, my parents, and I took a trip to Key Largo to go scuba diving. Monica and I had just gotten certified, and it was our first oceanic underwater adventure.

I think that something about scuba-ing makes your kidneys filter faster. Because normally, after one hour of normal activity with normal hydration, I feel fine. But when diving, one hour would fill my bladder to "I definitely need to pee." Which is beyond "If I'm not concentrating on it, I don't have to" and "I kinda gotta go."

On our first day out, we went on 2 dives that were about 45 minutes each. I saw some pretty amazing fish and invertebrates. If I could be any mythical creature, I would probably pick mermaid so I could hang out down there all the time. And I would have a beautiful voice, so I would be able to sing in the shower. Except I wouldn't need a shower. Because I would be in the water.

Well, needless to say, I had to pee. And for the life of me, I could not. There was no bathroom on the boat, so that wasn't an option. My dad thought I had stage fright about peeing through the wetsuit. I didn't actually care; I just really, really wanted an empty bladder.

From the time I had last peed before breakfast to the time we got out of the water from our second dive, about 7 hours had elapsed. And then there was the hour long boat ride back to the dock. I had drunk several bottles of water. The ocean was wavy. The boat was rocking. It was extremely painful. I thought I was going to die.

Finally, we were pulling into the harbor!

And then we had to back out so another boat could get out. And then we pulled in. Monica also had to pee pretty bad.

"You girls just get to the hotel, we'll take care of the gear," my dad said.

Monica and I tried to run, stripping off our wetsuits as we went. It was basically an accelerated waddle.

Our hotel was about 2-3 blocks away. But there was a Holiday Inn right by the dock. We saw the pool area, and I spotted a sign for the restrooms. I was about 2 yards from the door when I realized that you had to have a hotel key to get into the bathroom.

"No! Turn back!" I tried to yell, but I could hardly speak. At first, Monica didn't understand.  Her face contorted in dismayed confusion. And then she spotted the problem. "Should we hop in the pool?" I whispered desperately. I thought I might burst.

"No, we can make it." We hobbled off.

About a block from the hotel, a sudden spasm overtook my body. I fell to the ground. "Aaaaaaaagggheh!" I moaned. Monica glanced back at me.  She started to slow down. But then a pained expression came over her face and she grunted, "I have to keep going. I'm sorry."

I was curled up on the ground, devastated by the realization that I was going to pee all over myself in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the day.

Miraculously, the spasm passed and I somehow managed to get back on my feet. I staggered on, bent forward at about a 90 degree angle.

I made it into the lobby and stumbled toward the public restroom. There was one woman in line. One of the stalls was opening. I could see Monica's feet in the other. The woman in line took one look at my face and said, "GO!"

I swear to God, I peed for at least a minute and thirty-eight seconds. I was trying to count.  I don't even think I want to know the volume of fluid that was in my bladder.  I have never had to pee so badly in my entire life, and I hope I never do again.

Here's Some Advice

Suggestions that Present Me could have made to Past Me during the last 2 weeks

Fitness Advice
When you are going to walk 2 miles to the gym to swim, make sure your swim suit is in your bag before you leave the house.

Sleeping Advice
Do not take a sleeping pill before unloading your sheets from the dryer. This may cause bed-making to be much more difficult than it should be.

Beauty Advice
Your bangs do not pull into a bun. If you try to do this instead of letting them just be bangs, you will end up with a front-only faux hawk.

Financial Advice
NEVER go to Target "just to look around" or "to kill some time." You will buy something.

Other Shopping Advice
When you're hauling 40 lbs of cat litter out to the car, make sure to do one or both of the following:
     1. Use a cart
     2. Remember where you parked

Luscious

I found a description in my middle school diary about a boy that I had a crush on. It said,

"He is sooooo cute and handsome! He has the nicest eyes and big, sucking blowfish lips."

Apparently this was a good thing?

Take Me Home Tonight!

A blind man tried to come home with me today.

I was watching traffic, waiting to pull out of the parking lot, when I heard some rap-a-tapping at my passenger door.  It was the blind man with his white cane.

He seemed to be trying to walk through my car, so at first I thought he was just confused. That was what his expression told me. But maybe that's just what his face looks like, because his expression did not change once.

And he didn't try to move away from my car. At first he kept touching it. He whacked the passenger-side mirror, then spun around 360 degrees and started feeling along the door.

He tried the handle. I wondered if maybe he was trying to hijack my car. But something tells me he wouldn't have gotten very far driving...

And if he tried to make me take him somewhere, how would he know I wasn't driving to the police station instead of his creepy dark basement apartment with no windows?

Then he gave up. He just stood there. Like, less than a foot away from my car. Open-mouthed and fidgeting. Maybe devastated that the weird little rendezvous he had been fantasizing about for a week would never come to fruition. He wasn't trying to ask for money. He had no can, no sign, no outstretched hand. Nothing.

I pulled away slowly, afraid that me might try to walk through my car again and make me run over his foot.

I have considered that he might be a zombie. He sure looked the part with his rolled-back, glazed-white eyes and gaping mouth frozen in a permanent groan. Plus that whole bizarre behavior and brain fog thing...

Just to be on the safe side, grab up some baseball bats and don't let anyone bite you. Especially if they smell like decay.