I went to a party over the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend, didn't know anyone else there, and mostly spent the night catching up with sister.
Near the end of the night, someone mentioned asking Siri...I dunno, something.
So I chimed in, "Did you know that you can ask, 'Hey, Siri, where can a bury a dead body?' And Siri will respond, 'Are you looking for a graveyard or a landfill?'"
The guy was like, "Waaaait a minute. Hold on. You haven't said a word all night, and now you're talking about burying dead bodies?!"
Officially the shy creeper, right here.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
This Could Only Mean One Thing...
My Interpretation of Signs from Down Under
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| Please keep your seat belt fastened low and tight while you admire your junk. |
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| If you hug a child too hard, he'll feel you up. |
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| Well, somebody doesn't like Sigourney Weaver. |
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| Strap-on Babies! |
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| NO Dancing NO McDonalds NO Praying on Hotdogs |
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| Be sure to walk the trail next to a tour buddy who is significantly shorter/taller than you. |
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| WARNING!!! Cats and Dogs do NOT get along!!! |
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Sleep Eating is Tragic
My graduation present from my parents after college was LASIK (Best. Gift. EVER.)
You're awake for the procedure, but they give you Valium and a little stuffed dog.
The surgery went very well. When I sat up, I could read the clock on the wall. Sure, it was a little blurry. Then again when I entered the operating room I couldn't even see that there was a clock on the wall in the first place.
The stuffed animal was actually unexpectedly comforting. They took it away as I was sitting up when the procedure was over. Apparently they give the same stuffed animal to all the patients, and you don't get to keep it when you leave. I actually had a moment of, "Whaaa...why are you taking my friend away?!"
After the surgery, they give you a prescription for 2 Ambien. You take one right after the surgery (keeping your eyes closed helps speed healing, and you are knocked out for the most uncomfortable part of recovery) and one the first night (since you already slept all day).
We picked it up from the pharmacy, and I took it right away, thinking it would take a while to kick in. Not so when you've already taken Valium.
By the time we got home, I was soooo drugged out. My mom made me some Kraft white cheddar macaroni and cheese, and I slurred to her, "Mama...this is the BEST macaroni and cheese I have EVER eaten!"
She also had some homemade ice cream cookies. She said "Why don't you wait till after you wake up to eat one?" She helped me up to my room and I crashed for a few hours.
When I came downstairs, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "Hey! Can I have that ice cream sandwich now?"
".....Honey.....you ate it."
"Nuh uh! You told me to eat it later."
"And then you compromised for half...and then you insisted on eating the whole thing."
My younger sister glared at me, "Are you serious?! There was ONE chocolate chocolate chip cookie sandwich left. One. I wanted it. You're saying you ate it AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER?"
Sad day. At least I could see....
You're awake for the procedure, but they give you Valium and a little stuffed dog.
The surgery went very well. When I sat up, I could read the clock on the wall. Sure, it was a little blurry. Then again when I entered the operating room I couldn't even see that there was a clock on the wall in the first place.
The stuffed animal was actually unexpectedly comforting. They took it away as I was sitting up when the procedure was over. Apparently they give the same stuffed animal to all the patients, and you don't get to keep it when you leave. I actually had a moment of, "Whaaa...why are you taking my friend away?!"
After the surgery, they give you a prescription for 2 Ambien. You take one right after the surgery (keeping your eyes closed helps speed healing, and you are knocked out for the most uncomfortable part of recovery) and one the first night (since you already slept all day).
We picked it up from the pharmacy, and I took it right away, thinking it would take a while to kick in. Not so when you've already taken Valium.
By the time we got home, I was soooo drugged out. My mom made me some Kraft white cheddar macaroni and cheese, and I slurred to her, "Mama...this is the BEST macaroni and cheese I have EVER eaten!"
She also had some homemade ice cream cookies. She said "Why don't you wait till after you wake up to eat one?" She helped me up to my room and I crashed for a few hours.
When I came downstairs, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "Hey! Can I have that ice cream sandwich now?"
".....Honey.....you ate it."
"Nuh uh! You told me to eat it later."
"And then you compromised for half...and then you insisted on eating the whole thing."
My younger sister glared at me, "Are you serious?! There was ONE chocolate chocolate chip cookie sandwich left. One. I wanted it. You're saying you ate it AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER?"
Sad day. At least I could see....
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Drunken Cleaning
Tonight I have established these Pros and Cons of drunken cleaning:
Pro: I feel like more or less everything is fun, including cleaning.
Con: I get distracted by things like watching pretty much every existing interview with Rebel Wilson on YouTube.
Pro: I totally rock out and sing in the shower.
Con: My neighbors' ears are bleeding. But screw them, they threw all their junk and barfed in my back yard.
Pro: 26 degrees doesn't feel cold when you take the trash out,
Con: I almost fell on my ass taking the trash out.
Pro: I failed at falling.
Pro: All of my laundry (minus three items) has either been put away or is currently in the dryer.
Con: Matching socks becomes more difficult. New Year's Resolution: Only ever buy one brand of socks, so they always match.
Pro: I'll be like, "There are approximately 4mL of cleaner left in this bottle. What shit can I clean with this?!
Con: I'll be like, "Awww, there are only 4mL of wine left in this bottle. Sad."
Pro: I feel like more or less everything is fun, including cleaning.
Con: I get distracted by things like watching pretty much every existing interview with Rebel Wilson on YouTube.
Pro: I totally rock out and sing in the shower.
Con: My neighbors' ears are bleeding. But screw them, they threw all their junk and barfed in my back yard.
Pro: 26 degrees doesn't feel cold when you take the trash out,
Con: I almost fell on my ass taking the trash out.
Pro: I failed at falling.
Pro: All of my laundry (minus three items) has either been put away or is currently in the dryer.
Con: Matching socks becomes more difficult. New Year's Resolution: Only ever buy one brand of socks, so they always match.
Pro: I'll be like, "There are approximately 4mL of cleaner left in this bottle. What shit can I clean with this?!
Con: I'll be like, "Awww, there are only 4mL of wine left in this bottle. Sad."
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
There's No Way I'm Not Related to the Absentminded Professor
Let's play find my wallet!
Purse? Nope.
Work bag? Uh-uh.
Gym bag? Double check with all those compartments and no.
Hmmm...
Coat pocket? Counter top? No...and no.
Let's think about this logically...
Refrigerator! Yup, yup...there it is!
Purse? Nope.
Work bag? Uh-uh.
Gym bag? Double check with all those compartments and no.
Hmmm...
Coat pocket? Counter top? No...and no.
Let's think about this logically...
Refrigerator! Yup, yup...there it is!
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