Riding in Cars with Grams

Grandma: "Dearheart, do you have any thongs I could borrow?"

Me: "Uhhhhhhhhh...."

Grandma:  "I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow, and I don't have any thongs to wear."

I don't understand my cat.

She will do crazy acrobatics, sneak attacks, vaults into paper bags, whatever it takes to steal a pod of edamame from me.

But when I offer her a little piece of turkey and she turns her nose up at it.

The Hazards of Being Too Quiet

I went to a party over the weekend with my sister and her boyfriend, didn't know anyone else there, and mostly spent the night catching up with sister.

Near the end of the night, someone mentioned asking Siri...I dunno, something.

So I chimed in, "Did you know that you can ask, 'Hey, Siri, where can a bury a dead body?' And Siri will respond, 'Are you looking for a graveyard or a landfill?'"

The guy was like, "Waaaait a minute. Hold on. You haven't said a word all night, and now you're talking about burying dead bodies?!"

Officially the shy creeper, right here.

This Could Only Mean One Thing...

My Interpretation of Signs from Down Under

Please keep your seat belt fastened low and tight while you admire your junk.

If you hug a child too hard, he'll feel you up.

Well, somebody doesn't like Sigourney Weaver.

Strap-on Babies!

NO Dancing       NO McDonalds       NO Praying on Hotdogs

 

 

 

 

Be sure to walk the trail next to a tour buddy who is significantly shorter/taller than you.

WARNING!!! Cats and Dogs do NOT get along!!!

It's Huge!

Someone at work renamed Internet Explorer.

True Love Ain't No Myth

Sleep Eating is Tragic

My graduation present from my parents after college was LASIK (Best. Gift. EVER.)

You're awake for the procedure, but they give you Valium and a little stuffed dog.

The surgery went very well. When I sat up, I could read the clock on the wall. Sure, it was a little blurry. Then again when I entered the operating room I couldn't even see that there was a clock on the wall in the first place.

The stuffed animal was actually unexpectedly comforting. They took it away as I was sitting up when the procedure was over. Apparently they give the same stuffed animal to all the patients, and you don't get to keep it when you leave. I actually had a moment of, "Whaaa...why are you taking my friend away?!" 

After the surgery, they give you a prescription for 2 Ambien. You take one right after the surgery (keeping your eyes closed helps speed healing, and you are knocked out for the most uncomfortable part of recovery) and one the first night (since you already slept all day).

We picked it up from the pharmacy, and I took it right away, thinking it would take a while to kick in. Not so when you've already taken Valium.

By the time we got home, I was soooo drugged out. My mom made me some Kraft white cheddar macaroni and cheese, and I slurred to her, "Mama...this is the BEST macaroni and cheese I have EVER eaten!"

She also had some homemade ice cream cookies. She said "Why don't you wait till after you wake up to eat one?" She helped me up to my room and I crashed for a few hours.

When I came downstairs, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "Hey! Can I have that ice cream sandwich now?"

".....Honey.....you ate it."

"Nuh uh! You told me to eat it later."

"And then you compromised for half...and then you insisted on eating the whole thing."

My younger sister glared at me, "Are you serious?! There was ONE chocolate chocolate chip cookie sandwich left. One. I wanted it. You're saying you ate it AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER?"

Sad day. At least I could see....