If you want some unisex perfume, I got the hookup!

I met my connection at the gas station. He came up to my car and tried to sell me some unisex perfume, which I politely declined.

He insisted, "But look! It can be worn by a man or a woman!"

"But I don't want it. Thank you."

"Alright, well, if you're not doing anything later, you should give me a call."

"Oh, I'm on my way to meet friends."

"Well, here's my number. After you hang out with your friends, just text me, and maybe you can come pick me up. We could drive off in the sunset together."

So romantic.

Let's Play A Game: Expansion Pack

This time, you get to decide: patient, staff, or someone who has nothing to even do with psych?

     "She was walking around like a fumigated cockroach!"

     "Oh, you shaved your legs? Do you feel like a dolphin now?!"

     "You sure have a way of feeding a man."

     "I can't remember her name...but I know it folded in half nicely."

     "Don't smile so much. It makes me feel like a child."

Homework: How The Magic Happens

 

Revealing Attire

Back when I was swimming in college, I had to ice my shoulders after every practice. They'd throw a bag of ice on there and saran-wrap it down. If only I'd had the proper blazer, I could have looked like this:

http://www.simplyeighties.com/80s-fashion.php#.U5plVC9w3fQ

So one day, I got my shoulders wrapped and headed off to Saga (the cafeteria) to eat a pound of pasta, an entire chicken, a slice or two of pizza, and one of each dessert that didn't look like a sponge.

As the girl at the entrance swiped me in, she just kind of stared at me for a minute and breathed a deep sigh of relief, "Oh, thank God! Your tank top is tan! At first I thought you were wearing a saran-wrap shirt."

Oh, good! Another thing I don't have to do today!

I have come to a simultaneously liberating and terrible realization: you don't actually have to have sheets on the bed in order to sleep on it. 

This is not getting me any closer to being a "real adult."

It's Freakin' Me Out

I can't listen to Demi Lovato's Neon Lights without my mind going to this scene:

Surprises and Adventures

I went back to Peoria this weekend for a surprise birthday party for my sister (a total hit-she was shocked!).

We were out till waaaaay past my bedtime, and I left to go back to her place before the festivities totally ended. I took her boyfriend's keys (she left hers at home), and I was instructed to leave the front door unlocked so they could get in. I was also assigned an intense, 34-step process for letting the dogs out.

After a few minutes of joyful pouncing and puppy kisses, I let Parker out first.

He did his business all lickity split and came back inside. Snuggle muffin that he is, he made only minor attempts at licking my eyeballs out while I wiped his paws off.

Mila was next. She is not quite as focused as Parker when it comes to peeing. So, step 21-ish in the dog-letting-out process, I put Corinne's Uggs on and went outside with Mila to prevent mud-bathing. After a few minutes she did her thang and we walked back to the door.

It was locked. Not the handle. The deadbolt.

Parker had locked me out by jumping on the door.

"No big deal," I thought, "I left the front door unlocked, so I can just go in that way."

Nope. Apparently, my lock-doing reflex had kicked in.

I went back to the back yard. It was kinda chilly, and I had no coat on. I was thinking, "I have no idea when they're getting back. I'm glad I have the (only slightly muddy) furry dog out here with me. We will cuddle and stay warm....Oh shit, I have the only key!"

After 45 seconds of trying to get Parker to jump juuuuust the right way to undo the deadbolt, I decided, "Nevermind, no way in Hell is that's going to work." He just looked at me and whined, like, "Why aren't you coming back inside?"

I ended up crawling in through this window, which started closing on me when I was about halfway through.

Parker was sooooooooo excited, "O-yay! Cuddles! You're back! I can't wait to slobber your face off!" Him jumping all over me while I planked between the window and counter top did not make it any easier to get my legs unstuck!

But all's well that ends well, and I got to snuggle both of these sweet pups before we all hit the hay.

 

Come Again?

What I heard: "You don't know who licked the virgin."

What was said: "Let me do my version."


What I heard: "He had a goat probe"

What was said: "GoPro" (camera you can strap to your head)


What I heard: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm in the stairwell."

What was said: "I can't hear you 'cause I'm at a fairy princess tea party."